my insides hurt sometimes

and I always realize it is because

I have not fallen in the arms of Jesus

for the last minute

even one minute

feels like an hour

because my breath feels

clogged

and my lungs refuse

to continue

because that is

how much

I 

need 

Him

2:02 am

can't sleep

promised DM I'd be out by now

but I can't sleep and usually that is 

significant

my heart is beating like it was earlier

chip feeding Joe wearing a worn out beard

one red eye

dirty dirty clothes

talking about the hellhole he has chosen to sleep in

the little piece of carpet he'll be going back to tonight

turning down the one thing he admitted tonight that he needs

[Jesus, needing Jesus, surrendering to Jesus]

I am not giving up.

Marie is passed out somewhere in Jule's house

she was probably used tonight, Joe mutters he doesn't know

Chip knows

She packed her stuff, it wasn't our choice and we watched her

walk away 

she was like this a live flower that got suffocated by the demons that she carried around on her back, those liars, fearfilled liars that I proclaim in the name of Jesus will be sent back where they belong

someday

Saw Marv through the crack in the door

his laugh laden with alcohol WOA THERES MY SISTER CHELS

it's like they get it they get that we love them but they don't want to receive it and now I understand as I look in Marv's, Joe's, Marie's face today what God must feel when I keep going out and getting drunk on things other than Him because he loves me he loves me and keeps loving me and I just know it but can't get past something

well, I am past it now. God loves me with a deep deep deep love and no matter what I do or how unacceptable I am, really, HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME!! Unconditionally. I get it. and I want it. "DRINK AND IMBIBE [get drunk!] deeply, O lovers. I was asleep, but my heart was awake. A voice! My beloved is knocking: Open to me, my darling, my love, my perfect one... a garden locked, is my... bride, a rock garden locked up, a spring sealed up...You are a garden spring, a well of fresh water, and streams flowing... His banner of me is love" - Song of Sol 

so many questions to ponder

about my beauty

about the church

deciding on God's great love and knowing it exists even when I don't feel it

contemplating a tattoo

and a nose ring 

and living this simple life simply

questions about gifts and the church

what is a church if not a body of people that live together and worship God and are taught

devoted to prayer and ministry

a body of people that take meals together

I live at a church, don't I?

and why is the boiler room so significant anyway, shouldn't every home be like mine

couches used if necessary, seasons of drought and plenty, living by faith not by sight

always having enough (words of Agur)

is this not a church? God? is this not a church?

I sat tonight in the upper room, Chip, clad in tattoos and soft eyes

holding his hands out for prayer and we prayed

and there will be changes on the horizon

and God is going to start setting captives free through us

we aren't going to set anyone free

or live in bondage 

to thinking

it is

up

to us.

[my yoke is easy, my burden is light JESUS keeps saying]

oh, and I got married this weekend.  I found this scripture called the Song of Solomon

I recommend it

it's this long love song from God to our hearts and somewhere in Isaiah God calls himself our Husband and He is always calling us Beloved, which means Be Loved and so I accepted and decided that I wanted Him as my Lover, my very first Love, and I married His heart and I think this is a very good thing, because when you love a person's heart you want to replicate it and as I lay on God's chest and hear his heart beat and as he speaks to me through his mighty words and makes me more and more aware of the FULLNESS of GOD inside of this body of mine I will start to become more like Him as I submit

He is

rich

in love

and so if you see a ring on my finger that has some Greek on it that means "None live for themselves" I want you to know, it isn't about the Greek of the vow that I took or what I do with my life it's about God's grace on me, and His superb love for me and in that my heart beats to love Him, to love His people and to proclaim His name to the nations

which tonight was

Joe

and tomorrow might be Tammy or DanMike or whatever Nation he brings me too

I don't live for myself because I already made up my mind that when I get married I'm going to be a wife. a good wife. and i will live for that man that I marry because he will be so powerfully living for Christ that I can just follow Him and trust Him and support Him in our walk toward God

and so as I marry the heart of God, My BeLoved... I live for Him. That is my heart. 

and I want to walk with Him and talk with Him and let things fall out of my mouth that I have never thought of before because they are God's words and they just

came

to 

me

and it's 2:22 now, and Brooke's asleep so there will be no pillow talk now, and I already woke her up once because I got locked out, but, I could really use some pillow talk, and the only one that is awake is my Jesus so, I'm off to talk with Him. Sleep well.

i

cried today.

it was in the prayer room, the day outside was sunny but my nerves were all out of wack.

I cried. and it felt good. because I was being real. I was how I was.

today we decided that this year will be about rest

knowing that Jesus loves us in a remarkable way

that we can hold a butterfly on our palm, not a fist clenched around it scared if we don't perform or hold on we may lose it

we dont' need to hold life

so all the powder falls off of it's wings

we can hold it with our hand open, watching it, marveling, enjoying God

(thanks Jana)

no longer is it our lives with God added

but God

just 

God

and our lives shoved into the little places we can fit them into

because God has overtaken and the thing we love most is just to sit with Him

in his temple and

cry

because

he

is 

so

beautiful

if we could just look at him, we'd have happiness

this year 

we won't be so aware that people are upset or challenging or unhappy

because God's happy and that is really what our attention should be on

anyhow

thanks brooke and sarah for entering into this with me, or letting me enter into it with you

love!

I am glad that God knows how to reveal to us truth after we fought for it for this last week

I'm going to be honest, I wanted what she said to be truth but I asked the same questions in my journal a few days ago

was she really a sister

was she ever even homeless

I just tended to be on the compassionate believing side which even though I was wrong this time I don't regret

but I have learned

I have learned through that I want a discerning spirit

that you can't always just embrace

God will say yes when its yes and no when its no and I have to stop listening so strongly to my heart because God knows it's gotten me in trouble before and God knows there is something wiser in me

I cannot love if I do not have truth because the truth sets us free

 and as good as I know a compassionate spirit is

I want to be able to test the spirit's to find truth to hear what God is trying to speak

I'm thankful for Sarah and Brooke who could barely sleep because they knew something was wrong with this picture

and Jen and Chip who confirmed

and the little things that spoke like DanMike hanging up Switzerland

and the sunshine that sang this morning

and coming home with the windows open and the floor clean and the house feeling like one piece again

i want to learn what I don't know, what my spirit wants to teach me as he the teacher the helper

I want that from him now so I can hear truth

really hear truth

i want my Fathers voice to be clearer to me and I am almost ashamed that I was so mistaken this time... almost ashamed of my naivety 

but to speak truth to that? God uses this stuff to bring us wisdom and this morning I asked for it as I lay in bed after the decision and the prayer and I guess he heard me because I want to hear Him even more now

feel like we have all taken the last 3 weeks to settle down settle in get to know each other

it has taken tears and confessions and kneeling at the cross 

holding hands huddling in the safe room to the left of our doorway

listening waiting casting speaking loving

Sarah with sincere fierce tender eyes

Brooke, the one who looks right at you and can see inside

I know I have a job too, I just can't put my finger on it all of the time

amber is in the bathroom now, straightening her locks of hair

at home again?

it's taken a while to make this home, not just for her, but for all of us

to feel like we can sleep without feeling guilty or pressured afraid that we aren't doing enough

its taking saying no and saying yes

breathing deeply

being honest with each other

playing the guitar when others are working

or working when others are playing guitar

 team work

as a home

bringing

back

that therapy we have learned home is supposed to be

my shoulders still feel in knots

my guitar is on his back waiting for me

I wish I could express what the past few days have consisted of but

I think that is the problem sometimes, we want so bad to express what is going on that we seek and strive and push and pull until we are so confused we can't see straight and what we thought was real isn't

and it's simpler than that, sometimes

God is just God and He is in control and He will bring it about in His time because we are His daughters

and resting more

makes sense

because Martha was more tired than Mary

and Mary was healthier, fuller, softer, more at rest, more like a woman should be

and we can't help when we're tired

so

God

is

teaching

us

to sleep

"unless the Lord builds the house

they labor in vain who build it

Unless the Lord guards the city

the watchman keep awake in vain

It is vain for you to rise up early

to retire late

to eat the bread of painful labors;

For HE GIVES TO HIS BELOVED

EVEN IN HIS SLEEP"  psalm 127

it's interesting

the things I am learning

today by the fountain amber looked up with such delight

the goose poop

the bikes bouncing

antoinette looking like a little one on the little bike

such delight in the small tiny things

I asked myself then was it stolen

was her childhood stolen

her idea of a family

of love

of men

was it stolen

and God how do I go about repairing that smile

.

I feel like amber and I have bonded, that little homeless girl that is so bright and so broken sometimes

there is stuff in there that makes crying all that she can do sometimes and she says things like she just doesn't understand she just doesn't understand

God help me understand so I can help her

and God, um, you know about the doctor

and the little whistle of fear I heard in her voice

as she petting the tears off of her eyelashes

after the doctor

and how quickly it was repaired

you know the truth about the matter

and I ask for divine intervention

and that you allow my heart to feel the burden

she feels

so I can help her swim up and out of it

.

The other night God just up and called me beautiful

and I was singing and all of a sudden I heard myself say 

God I delight 

I delight in you

and I think it is the first time I have said it and felt it and knew it to be true

because he is passionately in love me with and I know that if I think about it

the problem is half the time I don't think about it

so I dont know it

so I dont feel it

so I seek out other things to fill me up

what if I really wanted to only sit in his temple all the days of my life

I think I'd be a lot more content like that lady who stood by her husband and introduced her kids with a real smile across her face and a confidence and peace in the exact spot she was standing

I watched her and envied her and then loved her because she was what I want, to just be able to stand in one spot and to know that I am fully loved and that I have nothing to fear and that my future is beautiful and that God, like he says in ps 37, God delights in my way he delights in my steps

the GLORY of the Lord is my rear guard

the splendorous King is my Husband

dang.

and I have been fishing through a lot of my fears

things I never really knew about myself that I am learning about myself like how guarded I am of men, and how hard it is for me to befriend them, and how easy it is for me to be on the defensive and how often I protect myself and only give away when I am comfortable and secure and how I never really take a compliment with joy because I am scared I won't look humble when really all I need to be doing is pointing up at God because really, I should be complimented because God is the one in me doing the work. 

I have prayer now, and a lot on my mind. excuse me.

confidence

confidence is the opposite of insecurity

confidence is to be secure

to be secure is to have your feet secured in the cement rock of the power of the Lord Jesus Christ

this is the confidence which we have before him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we asking we know that we have the requests which we have asked from him

1 john 5: 14-15

Amber

its been 5 days now

they've crept into our hearts, taking over the white couch or the square of our living room which has become a bedroom

cried in our arms and on the prayer room floor

pregnant

guarded

quiet

screaming

its been a great exhausting five days

I've felt like a Mother and a new friend

and I love it

despite

the

long days

it makes me want to stay a little longer

to see that this is just as important as the crying children of Africa

I want to

watch her walk down the aisle to graduate

or let her stall my car as she tries to learn

to be there and have the words the next time she calls out my name as she's praying

to see that baby in Antoinette's arms

to share my own heart and really truly listen with both eyes to hers

I want to become her friend and not one that will soon leave her heart homeless, but maybe section off a little piece of my heart for her, permanently

watch her heart slowly become refined silver

her tongue guarded, insides softened 

eyes clearer

emptied

stable.

at home.

she's never had a family and her heart has been broken enough times and Jesus bandaids just won't do and so I'm asking for you.

make her in love with you,

Jesus.

tonight she announced she just closed her heart back up to be hard again and that is just how it is going to be. That's all there is too it. 

I don't believe it because God I am asking for a break through, on her heart, my heart, our hearts so that you can knit us all together, because even tho it has been 5 days God I am really betting on seeing this woman through

until she is solidly standing with kind eyes and a soft tongue and until she sees her self as oh, so unworthy and yet so so so so so loved by you freed in you obsessed with you

break 

her

kindly

so

that

she

can 

spill

out

the 

dark

and

come

into

the

light.

ps. oh, and help her to trust us.

2.

I have realized lately that my heart needs some refining, well, not some, A LOT of refining. But God has been sharing some heavy stuff-- like how guarded I am. how protective of myself that I am. It's really selfish. Not like everyone wants a piece of me or anything, but that I only give of myself where I feel comfortable. I am insecure. and I want to be SECURED in Christ so that it doesn't matter what people think or say or do. I don't want to protect myself anymore or feel at a fear of loss because I know that GOD loves me and HE has the best planned for me. I guess it's a trust issue. What do I need to protect? God has it covered. but, I'm protective of my stuff, my friends, my heart, - unwilling to get hurt, to open up to certain people, to lose out. I want that to change. I found it very interesting that I learned about myself that I fear that people will soon be sick of me and so I feel I must be a certain way to please them. I confess, I'm fearful of man. I perform for man, not for God half of the time. Ok, more than half of the time. I want to be myself, and be free of myself at the same time. in the storm of the white waves but on this little raft just floating along peacefully because God's hand is under me. No fear. no walls. Just a pure heart and mind and eyes. God, I am asking that you break me, yes, break me more. BREAK THROUGH. Give me whatever it is that  I need to get where I need to get to be whatever I need to be for you. I want your heart, your eyes. I want to see people as you see them. I want to have a new identity, as one who is a lover of you but also loved by you. God HELP me do this. 

not going to lie, not really sure all the time how to do this Jesus thing b/c

sometimes I miss the little corner I can call my own

feeling a bit limbless today as they have all been pulled in different directions

I feel sometimes I have let everyone down when I am not in tip-top condition

it started with Amber's spine on a run this morning, long errands

the wrong size gallon bags, hassle with the title and the wrong name and the new car

that list that needs to get worked on that I really haven't had time to chizzle away at

a baseball game in a few minutes

feeling like I havent had the moment to appreciate the sun, the swayin curtain and precious manly D-the Greek salad and guitar strings (I appreciate it!)

today

feeling like it all depends on me to make the two women in the next room happy or Marie happy or DM happy or Brooke and Sarah happy or Chip happy or God happy

feeling like I'd like to have a couple arms to fall into instead of being the arms

and then I realize

where Jesus

has been

all day

long

(arms open)