it's interesting

the things I am learning

today by the fountain amber looked up with such delight

the goose poop

the bikes bouncing

antoinette looking like a little one on the little bike

such delight in the small tiny things

I asked myself then was it stolen

was her childhood stolen

her idea of a family

of love

of men

was it stolen

and God how do I go about repairing that smile

.

I feel like amber and I have bonded, that little homeless girl that is so bright and so broken sometimes

there is stuff in there that makes crying all that she can do sometimes and she says things like she just doesn't understand she just doesn't understand

God help me understand so I can help her

and God, um, you know about the doctor

and the little whistle of fear I heard in her voice

as she petting the tears off of her eyelashes

after the doctor

and how quickly it was repaired

you know the truth about the matter

and I ask for divine intervention

and that you allow my heart to feel the burden

she feels

so I can help her swim up and out of it

.

The other night God just up and called me beautiful

and I was singing and all of a sudden I heard myself say 

God I delight 

I delight in you

and I think it is the first time I have said it and felt it and knew it to be true

because he is passionately in love me with and I know that if I think about it

the problem is half the time I don't think about it

so I dont know it

so I dont feel it

so I seek out other things to fill me up

what if I really wanted to only sit in his temple all the days of my life

I think I'd be a lot more content like that lady who stood by her husband and introduced her kids with a real smile across her face and a confidence and peace in the exact spot she was standing

I watched her and envied her and then loved her because she was what I want, to just be able to stand in one spot and to know that I am fully loved and that I have nothing to fear and that my future is beautiful and that God, like he says in ps 37, God delights in my way he delights in my steps

the GLORY of the Lord is my rear guard

the splendorous King is my Husband

dang.

and I have been fishing through a lot of my fears

things I never really knew about myself that I am learning about myself like how guarded I am of men, and how hard it is for me to befriend them, and how easy it is for me to be on the defensive and how often I protect myself and only give away when I am comfortable and secure and how I never really take a compliment with joy because I am scared I won't look humble when really all I need to be doing is pointing up at God because really, I should be complimented because God is the one in me doing the work. 

I have prayer now, and a lot on my mind. excuse me.