this is hard today.

it hasn't been everyday, but today, yes.
it smells like you in here.

and I am wondering where he is, and who he is speaking with
and if he is thinking of me. [just being honest]
these kinds of things, do they happen with breakups?

and yet God is breathing into the empty spots
the loneliness I felt the other night sitting on the couch with my
dumb love story novel

(I need a new one by the way)

and Friday when I spent the night holding a lil brown baby
when usually I'd be on a date

he was my best friend the last two years...
so that is why these tears, you know? I'm grieving.

and sometimes I am excited to see what God has for us or for
the other us

and I don't really have any choice but to just be
with my hands up
open
and hope and pray that God would move in hearts (he will)
and take things out of hearts that are not of him
and lay his delights on hearts

and then I guess I'll know the next step.

and I am trusting God, and okay if he moves on or likes a
different pretty girl ( i will want to punch her in the face)
and I might hate it,
but, God'd move me on too
and for the first time I know I know I know
it's all going to be ok.

but, i miss him. and that is not wrong.

tried

i tried to pour myself into that skin
it was tight and restricting and hard to put on and I always asked why
tried and tried and tried to make it
for me

its not like it was wrong or right
maybe it just wasnt what God has called me to be

and God just smiled down at His lil lump of clay and kept pouring water to make it soft
and I hurt and hurt and hurt and asked why I was hurting

tried to make what Daddy thought good for me
good for me
tried and tried and tried to make it
for me

its not like it was wrong or right
maybe it just wasnt what God has called me to be

and God just smiled down at his lil lump of clay and kept pouring water to make it soft
and I hurt and hurt and hurt and asked why I was hurting

and then I put up my hands
and became a delicate vase
and let my shape
take form
from Him
for me





and then I smiled.

becoming

it's funny how God does his work in us.
He shakes us up and turns us upside down and prunes things off of us that aren't bringing us toward Him.

The last few years have been tough, but, God has indeed brought me to a place of peace.
peace in my heart.

And, it has been confirmed more than once that God wants to make me into more of a woman.
And, so, change must happen.

Randy said on sunday that the definition of insanity is
"trying the same thing over and over and expecting the same results"

things must change and adjust and move and be in motion to conform
and, like i felt God whisper to me repeatedly this year
i am learning to be like clay
to abandon MY mold and surrender to His hands
to stop fighting
to let what He does with me to to let His words move me into motion

creativity is coming back, I can feel it breathing all over me
the writer in me is springing back
(I am writing poetry again)
and painting

and my fingers have been itching for the guitar, but that hasn't so much happened yet.

God is good.
I have said this.
I do not always feel this.
but it is truth
and I am standing on it.

GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!

God is Love - and it's not just a cheesy quote

she adores stars, and put them in her ears. three tatoos down her neck, one that she showed me by pulling down her shirt on her chest
the stars around it was for the different something-puncture spots on your body

her husband, looked like an alaskian fisherman, cap, flannel shirt, beard
a simply man
looked on and listened, without comment besides his sheepish grin
he was proud of her but didn't really know what to think of all a' that

the tattoos read "love, compassion, peace" and she hoped she'd know what they read when she was old, she said

the one on her chest was something about the ora, or god, but i dont think she was talking about the same god I know

i was thinking this morning about God, the one over me, through me, in me
(he led me to read Eph 4:6)
and I began to feel extremely priviledged, boastful, excited that God is real
and that he has chosen me
and that he is not just an ora, or a thing out there
but He beckons me with His hand
and LOVES me enough to put His own son on the cross
and gives me names like
daughter
bride
chosen one
treasured possession

this is who I am
this is my identity
this is what I believe about myself
and anyone who tells me or treats me differently
has something coming to them
[and tells me something about the way I should treat others]
with all kindness, grace
love,
forgiveness
[holding nothing over them]

i remember that note my mom had written and left on the counter with her slanted handwriting that i was always jealous of
"do not think you can talk to me anyway you want to, because I am the BRIDE of Christ
and He is my Defender, and my Love."

cleaning off the tables at work yesterday Jesus just reminded me that my goal and mission on this earth is to love, love, love - He said simply

Show them Me, Chelsea, Show them Me

He was kind in His words
tenderhearted

and reminded me this morning that He has forgiven me completely
which means He holds nothing over my head

and that is freedom.

the sky blue chair looking like a friend

stinkbugs in the sink

french-press growing into winter  

orange paint on the elbows, the forearms 

furnace rumbling

tiny light humming

Wilco humming, "its a sky blue sky..."

"Commit your ways to the Lord, and your plans will be established."

(or, roll your decisions, your worries, your problems, your plans onto Him, trust Him with them, hand them over, and your delight will be His delight.)

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

Prov 16. recommended.

the truth is

my significance is only in God

and I have felt that that is what He is whispering most loudly

all the tiny caves that feel empty that I try to fill with something different he says to me

look up

look up

look up

(give me your first fruits, let me love you in these places)

I'm getting it.

His love is enough.

His grace, it is enough.

His dreams are the ones that will stay

I cannot sway or control or change them no matter how hard I try.

end of story.

He has asked me to hold tight yet also cautioned me that this does not mean what I have in my hand is not something I will never have to give away or lose even when both feet a

re in

hold it loosely, as Marc always says

I miss Brooke.

I want to be like G who wakes up every morning and says, OKAY GOD, if you take my wife, I am for you. I am for you. I am for you. I am for you.

and when I am letting God be my obsession, my idol, my King, MY GOD then everything else appears so small.

and last night God called me Sarai.

_____________________________

last night we heard his voice trailing out from the garage

"just leave me alone"

though that is precisely the opposite reason he was residing within those fence walls

the alcohol has made him disfunctional on most days

and J encouraged us last night 

to get back on our knees in concentrated prayer for this man

so pray for Dave

tall Dave

Walking with his pelvis first Dave

Friendly laughing Dave

coffee in the morning Dave

sitting on the back stoop Dave

Screaming profanities Dave

will be healed Dave

_____________________________

pray for this one as well

because I do not want to find him under a bridge someday

____________________________________

Kat came tonight, weeping
said she wants to kill herself
said she just wants to be where Marty is
said she has no friends

she kept hugging us, saying she couldn't wait til wednesday so she could see her friends
said she has nobody
except Jesus, Jesus was her friend

and I thought of Adam in the garden
with the living God and yet
alone

because we need some skin I think, someone that resembles Jesus next to us being Jesus to us
a Jesus with skin, someone who can hold onto us and touch us and encourage us
someone who needs love too
because people need to be touched and loved and seen and heard

and Kat misses being touched and needed and pursued

and I am getting it more now
this companion thing

a.m.

the trees are naked past the field, a couple still taking off their clothes

Marcy's feet on Webster's white and gray chest as Dave talks about swimming

and age and strength and screaming Jesus with your life

warm quilt wrapped around my feet (thanks K10)

empty cup of coffee to my left

the fire and the chimney are growing cold

Cooper is shifting and sighing, 

my stack of books exhausted after a quiet time with my best friend, Jesus

after basted eggs and scraping out grapefruit

fall is falling away 

the smell of snow shook hands with my nose last night as I hurried inside

(S) told me last week that anxiety is killed by being present in the moment

warm

is

how I'd describe life right now.

not because work this morning was all that warm, as the lady glared at her corn beef hash which she insisted she had not ordered, she had ordered hash browns and she wanted them now

i did what I could. I told her the cook is new. His name is Robert. things are slower.
my other table whispered to me that she had indeed said corn beef hash.

i adore my job, i do. mostly it is exciting and fun, and people are friendly and tell you that you have very nice freckles, or that you couldn't be twenty-fve, maybe 18 but heavens no! not 25! or that you resemble the lil cowgirl from Toy Story.

but sometimes, you get scary corn beef hash lady

God has been showing me lately that
things will not always come out the way that I'd like them too

Kristen told me there is a good possibility of this in my future

i agree.

God has also been slowly laying his hand on my shoulder, or my head, and whispering
that I can be myself despite the commotion it may cause.

Not that i intentionally ever want to make someone have late hashbrowns

but, it was an honest mistake.
and i can't live in fear of making mistakes or trying to control other peoples emotions toward me
I don't have to be liked or perfect.



P.S. I've been kissed.

Daddy came last night

reserved
into the Hall filled with the homeless, the westsiders, the family

Danny pointed out last night that the apple does not fall far from the tree
Daddy and I may be more a like than I thought and Danny said
He'd break down my Dad's walls, just like Danny broke down mine

I just hope it doesn't take two years, like it did for me.

but, he came
like I prayed, like Marcy prayed over eggs yesterday morning,
like a few people prayed who read my blog

he came and chatted with Phil and Alison
called Joe Black Bill because he couldn't remember his name from last time
though I remember my Dad crying for him

he laughed with Steve-o and shook his hand as Steve asked him where I got my good looks from
my Dad turned red in the face

he listened to Danny talk about God's love and made that noise with his mouth like he does when he is tense

Danny dragged him over (ok, my Dad was eager) to meet Jill and Danny looked my Dad right in the eye and threw his arm around the back of him when he came in

he was smiling when he left last night
and i hope he'll be back

because even tho my Dad stands a little bit behind the crowd often and watches from the distance
I think he wants to be thrown in the mix, in the leaves, in the laughter

because in there is a heart the cries for the broken, that hikes and camps and loves the mountains and new england and the soil of the earth with seeds
in there is a heart that yearns to believe and walk in God's love that over flows for Him
in there is a heart that wants to teach and interact with others freely

i pray for this.

and [we'll get im] (like Danny always says)

something has settled over me

I haven't felt this for years I think

I remember thinking last year as people would always say, "hey, how are you" I never wanted to be dishonest and so got into the habit of saying, "I'm okay.. you know, just okay." I remember thinking, I can't wait, will I ever be able to say, "I'm great. I'm great!"

lately, I've been able to say, I'm great, and, I mean it.

a contentedness
a rest has fallen like a shawl on my shoulders and I DIG IT!!!

and this morning I felt like God was showing me in his whispering way that His love for me is not conditional. just like Danny's hasn't been. I've tried before to memorize it, for God and for Danny, to "get it in my head." to " just believe it."

but it is different when it comes into your head from some other source, and you know in that moment, "hi, God."

I am learning to love, really, really love, like I am really in love guys
something I asked God for a bit ago

the microwave is beeping
and I am learning to ask God one thing at a time
so I don't forget what I've asked
so when I see something shifting
I can say, "ah-ha! there it is!" instead of taking the shift for granted
I know God's hand is directly in it

like the flowers in that week, the ones i had asked for to tell me, "yes"

and now i am waiting on God to make a miracle happen
to break down my Dad's walls
to find Danny comfortable in his presence (like a son, or better, closer)
maybe Danny should tackle him with a hug even though my Dad isn't a hugger
goodness, lets start doing things differently!

to make a closeness, it'd be super and miraculous and only God so

if you could ask, "God, could you do this for Chelsea and Danny?" that'd be great because God can do it for Chelsea and Danny and
I can't stop imagining bonfires and laughter, my Dad, (the Reverend = His Dad), My Mom, his Mom sitting around drinking coffee, bonfires, brianna and joe upstairs jamming with Steph and kelli and Jesh, and Daniel and I just comfortable because we are no longer two families, but one

it CAN HAPPEN if it is the will of God
so,

that is my prayer
and when you ask you recieve
and when you seek you find
and when you knock the door WILL BE OPENED

and so, will you knock with me?

"give God no rest"