spring

is coming
I can hear it in the trees

People need to be touched

I think. my shoulder is still wet from Debajeans hair and DanMike is in the next room singing to her. she's wrapped up in his quilt eating honey bunches of oats and her laundry is mixing in the next room. walked in drunk, maybe high, I never can tell, and the first thing she did was yank a hug from me, said she needed it real bad, and so I gave it. people need to be touched, I think. In the last half hour she has changed from a frantic woman to a woman at rest. it will not last, not unless Jesus enters her, but DM singing to her reminds me of David and King Saul and how the evil spirit within Saul would flee, just for a time, with David serenading. I think that is our job, really. to show people what it means to be at peace. they can then see that we contain something that is not of us. I want to braid more women's discolored hair just after a shower that they haven't had in weeks. after it, she crawled into the couch and I moved the hair off of her neck so she wouldn't be at cold and she scooted in right next to me, laid her wet head on my shoulder and rested. she needed to have human contact, which I think most of us have gotten away from. i think this is who Jesus is to us.

he makes me able to be a mother to someone double my age. that is the way it works. he makes us all things that we need to be at the time we need to be.

this morning I had bible study with my girls and I felt like a mother a sister a friend. the spirit was a live and working and beautiful. it's only because of Him that we start reading about the goats and the sheep of Matthew 25 and end up with a roomful of girls confessing they don't treat their parents and siblings with enough love. crying. making lists of ways to effectively change that. this week will be different. beautiful things will happen. I have loved watching these girls change into woman in the last few years. I have loved watching Marv become such a man, a man that he always was, but I have loved watching him embrace that person.

People are so strong in their tears. in their weaknesses. learning the way of Jesus' hands. When we do this, we learn to love. love can change the world, I believe that and I think all the girls left bible study today--I left-- realizing that we must be Jesus, we must treat others like they are Jesus and we must look for Jesus in every moment. seek him with the entirety of our hearts.

DebaJean is talking to herself in the next room. I believe that she continues to come back because God wants to change her and reveal his face through my face and my hands. Jen's hands. Don's hands. Marv and Joe's. Brad's. Chips. if that means braiding her hair and handing her a bowl of cereal or painting her toenails, or telling her what's upside down in her life: whatever it is. I'm in. it starts here.

sing it

Today I sat down with Jen and we discussed rent, and the heating bill, and the residency and life. I'm excited to see how God will provide, but she is giving us the reigns to start figuring out rent after March. This means for the month of april, until I become an intern again after school in April, we will need to come up with renters, or the payment for the month. After I become an intern, michelle and whoever we have renting with us, will have to figure out the balance after that. does this mean we will move? or she will go? or God will provide renters? Currently the house we are renting has no insulation so even keeping the heat at 65 means a huge heating bill at the end of the month which leads to the boiler room having to foot the bill which leads to probably a bad stewardship of money given to them by God on their part. I fully understand. It will be cool to see how God provides, whether that means me going to donate plasma.. (oh joy :)) or having $600.00 fall out of the sky. I'll make sure to post how God does provide.

he always does.

this morning the bus was packed on the way to school and b, the surfer/drummer with a chubby face and an adequately pleasant fellow stood behind me. He always has music in his ears and is always willing to move it out for a conversation. when we got to class I spilled coffee all over my lap, my corduroys, my scarf, navy shirt: drowned, saturated all of them with a coffee-pee-stain right in the croutch area. lovely. Brent and Christine just watched sympathtically as it dripped, slid, dripped onto my chair as I booked it to the bathroom. Marshal battani was at the powerpoint discussing "competing discourses" by Ruth slavin and was wearing a red and navy tie and hands that moved in explanation and long gray curly hair tucked behind his ears. there is a morning in the life of Chelsea. Crotch (sp?) coffee stain for all day, thoughts of rent, and trying to make a decision on what the difference is between the early, late, high, renaissance and the paintings that go with them. Derek has gone. The kitchen seems hollow without his song. Mark Anne, His fiance needs him now. He's in a good spot, Jen says, clean, ready, loved by God. changed. Leesa and rich have also gone. I haven't slept well for the past week... really restless or something, but last night, I slept so well. I told Jen that this morning and then went to my car and found a note from Dan Mike. In it he told me he was praying for me last night and he drew a sketch of me in my bed with this shield around me and peace being breathed into that shield. God is so good.

went running yesterday with Anna, who is an amazing listener. I got to unload a few things onto her, somethings that I feel have been pressing on me. Then we sat and drank water and ate spagetti and lentil soup that brooke made, and I just love anna. she is so sincere. through these little things, I am learning. The dreams I have been having have been dealing with them as well: like the other night, Harold in my dream, someone I haven't seen in forever telling me specifically to be sincere with a specific person. Something I needed to hear. I feel God is lessening something in me, which is healthy. I am trusting him to unlock this area of my life - as I feel him doing, and then I know he is preparing me for what is next. What is next?

all I know, is that God is near me. He will provide. it will not always look the way I think it should but it will be good. I am repeatedly reading the scriptures he has given to me... getting fresh meat from them everyday. I highly recommend them. Ps 46, Jer 29:11-14, 1 Pt 5:6-11. And today, Dan Mikes Scripture for me:

2 tim 1: 6-7
I remind you to kindle a fresh the gift of God
which IS IN YOU
through the laying on of my hands

God has not given you a spirit of TIMIDITY/SHYNESS
but of power
love
discipline.

I do not want to make one movement without God calling my name in that direction. I know he will. Jen is such an example of this, she is constantly telling me, I just felt God moving me toward this... prayer, peace, God's hands, I am waiting on to guide me.
and I will be happy
and at peace
when I
go with God.

jim is laughing in the woodshop and licking wood glue off of his pointer finger
he is always wearing black and wood shavings and his hair looks like a chicken's
gray and spiked in different places from his fingers raking

Yesterday I cut Josiah's hair in the bathroom, he was being cocky and I was laughing with my chin back. I cut his bangs wrong and he just made jokes, he didn't jab and kept talking about how hot he is. I like that. That he can be hot without great hair.

Sarah's blog reminded me of the same thing, who are we without our makeup, our hair, our clean clothes, would he want to know me without all of that stuck to me. God would want me. God wants me as I am.

this skin is so tedious.

Leesa and Richard leave today. She says she will be back if Richard tries to drink again and Marv is imploring me to speak to her. She hugged me for the first time last night, (after I gave her the bible) and I have seen joy arise in her eyes in this past week,
her face and her heart are both fuller, croqueting a green blanket on the couch wrapped in Richard or making rice or Valentines cookies in the kitchen. every single night that she came to prayer she prayed out loud, thankful for love, thankful for hope and a yellow sweatshirt and a pair of khaki pants that fits her better than me. quiet. smiling. sharing her family album. As much of her heart as she has to give she gives. I'm sad to see her go, I will miss waking her up in my living room and walking over to say GOOD MORNING loudly to the men, grabbing coffee before school. the couch won't look as friendly without her sitting there. There will be more room in the living room, which I could do without.

and I've been anxious lately, undecided on what about, my head's been buzzing, I felt sad for a day or two
[ever since Joe left]
and now he's home where he should be waving at me from his stage
enjoying a cigarette in the a.m.
unsure how to turn himself in or get on his knees or just make things right and I dont know if we have told him yet how to cross that barrier, do we just let him watch or do we explain? Sarah and I wonder.

we love to see him standing there, regardless of all of that. it feels like home again. I like his place, I like my place, our place. Each of us.

DanMike making Jesus smile with his song and his song and his song and his song (I love to watch him worship, the joy of the Lord is truly his strength and I know that because I see it break across his face while his eyes are closed
Chip is loud and drinkin black coffee in the kitchen, his dang keychain singing that dang song and sometimes I am rubbing his furry head or yelling at him or hugging his budda belly or apologizing for calling it that
Brad saunters about, dancing like a madman or quiet in his laptop. content.
Jen, such a piercing, fierce, hope-filled person, gets right to the point every.time.
Tony thinking about everything from every angle, holding ezra in his lap
Don is cleaning or spending time with the Lord. encouraging everyone, everytime.
Derek filling the kitchen with good smells and harmonies
Marv, leg up, get your leg up, his eyes that are clear now and he concern for friends is infectious
I'll be back to finish the rest.

and I like my job.

verse of the day: [A cheerful heart is always feasting.]

joe

sometimes we lose them, we gain them
they come back with red pussing eyes and stumbling feet

how do we look to them

God is still good.

[joe will be back upstairs later tonight.]

sparrows, they're her favorite bird because "they tough out winter like the rest of us"

she says

She's in from her homeless home for Valentines cookies, laundry spinning in the back room

Kathy is constructing a guitar out of dough for Dan Mike

cold sore--bottom lip, bra-less, beautiful homeless woman of 53

a song in her heart, 

glory hallelujah to the lord

it broke her heart to see the eight inches of snow on the sparrows nest (she understands how it feels)

and all she wants for her birthday,

[March 19]

is spring.

________________

Leesa's Richard has arrived, snoring on the couch, she is at his feet with clear eyes

the shakes are gone

earlier today he threw a beer into the alley and it shattered, signifying his addiction, ready to shat

       ter

that's a miracle around here.

________________

glory hallelujah to the Lord.

Leesa

showed up yesterday, silver earrings, skinny legs, high cheekbones, black hair
playing cards all afternoon with Derek
and I saw her dancing during prayer
though she never stood up

just had her arms extended in that way
I've felt in before,
if there were no eyes
you'd be dancing

_____________________________

[Lisa stayed the night to detox and let that demon, alcohol, know it was time to get off her back]

there is a secret to happiness, oh yes you have heard it before but have you lived it have you have you lived it, I do
last night she went coughing, weezing, breathing hard
it woke me up

shaking, she was shaking and I asked if she was cold but she wanted no blankets
chelle and I put our hands on your back, her shoulders
and as we prayed I felt her body relax

that is God's way

Detox, it'll do that to a person, I want to know all about it, the medicine, the disease, the way the alcohol grabs hold of you and when you let it go it grabs and contorts and tries to pull back in,

5:10 am, running across the snow to grab medicine from chip,
Derek, sorry to wake you, but Lisa is shaking
and as we prayed for her I felt her body relax
the dark room with God so alive in our hands our minds our words

there is a secret to happiness, oh yes you have heard it before but have you lived it, have you lived it, I do

_____________________

I am happy.
never been so happy before
even waking up in the of the night to lay near a recovering alcohol in case she needs the hospital
less sleep
less money
less time

But I get to spend all day with God and people and I am learning what my hands are for and
I am happy.
_____________________

Michelle has gone again,
Tony and his thermos clunking after her
late at night we lost them

pray they'll be back
they'll be back

_____________________

a voice is calling, clear the way for the Lord. (is 40)

He was once my little brother

Joe

now sitting gray haired on the green couch, guitar in hand

he wrote a couple rock and roll songs once

time has taken them away, but all of that don't matter now, it don't matter now

the chello is weeping in DanMikes hands and I see my little brother in Joe

___________

Last Saturday I spent the evening in the alley, beggin Michelle to stay

she said this place, this place was evil and she walked away

Tony's thermos and feet clanking after her

I wrote in my journal, bring her here, God bring her here

_________

Last night Michelle slept on my orange couch wrapped in my pajama pants 

all of a sudden she woke up she said

and not from a deep sleep

she no longer wanted to be a drunk

she was more than that she said

and now she is sitting in the next room with jan

coffee in hand

detoxing

That is God's way.

I wonder whats next

I found a note scribbled by DanMike in the prayer room the other day that said,
"I wonder what is next."

Joe and Derek have been sober over two weeks
Don is home again
Haus came, looked different in the eyes for about 3 days and then he disappeared.

During prayer tuesday night God told me we should really fast if we really cared about Marvin (Marvin = Haus to the people of the alley)

I didn't say a thing about fasting. I don't really like it to be honest.
Don quoted Jeremiah 29:11 during prayer and it affected me like eating oatmeal affects me. I had heard it so many times.

After prayer that night DanMike came to me, shaking, with a word for me
it freaked me out,
[I am not going to lie]

" Child of God, Fear not for the Holy eye
of the Lord is up on you. I have rested my
focus on you. I have searched the land that
I have created and I have found you. Take
joy in the humble knowledge of knowing
that I am holding you in the folds of my robe.
Rest your head at my feet. Though the time
of man is young. The day is soon and the day
will come. Trust me.
From the mouth of the Lord has spoken."

That night I read 1 Peter 5:6-11 before I went to bed.

The next day Jana had sent me a note telling me it'd be a real good idea to start fasting.

drat. now I had to fast.

That night (Wednesday) after prayer at 9 Anna P told me she had something for me.
She stuck the something in my bible. She told me to find it in Jeremiah 29:11.

5 Minutes later, Don came up to me and handed me a letter. He said, "You'll understand when you read it."

When I got home I opened up my bible to Jeremiah 29:11 and a 50 $ bill fell out.

"I know the plans
I have for you,
declares the Lord
plans for welfare
and not calamity.
to give you hope
and a future."

Then I opened D's letter. It went like this:

"Dear Chelsea, I am compelled to write you because last night I was awakened by God and your name was on my mind for some reason. So I began praying and I feel God wants me to tell you something and it may not even make sense to you right now. But here it goes anyway. Last night during prayer I felt God wanted me to quote Jeremiah 29:11 for the group... but now I believe it was more towards you. He is going to open the right doors for you at the right times. He is going to give you all that you need when you need it. It may not always be when you want it though. He also told me that he is given each and everyone of us special gifts and talents or abilities to use for his glory, yours are very special. This is important that you know. He sees the desires of your heart. He has someone very special picked out for you, to be your husband and your helpmate. He will encourage you, uplift you and bring out the very best in you. Wait patiently upon him, trust in him and he will give you the desires of your heart. God wants me to give you this verse, 1 Peter 5:6-11. Read it please! I do not know you Chelsea or your testimony but there are certain people out there that only you can touch for God. If I had a daughter I would want her to be just like you. your brother in Christ, D."

I dropped the letter and sat there with my mouth open.

The next day we fasted as a community.

That day all I could ask God was that he
break marv's chains and bring him home.

Today we will move Marv into our house again because his leg is broken in 3 places and he needs somewhere to go.

broken
legs
hurt
at
times
but
God
loves
us
through
them.

oh, and just for the record, God is real.


ps. I am at the hospital and I am about to be an Aunt. pray that labor goes well and that Kitri will come out breathing God's glory.

sometimes God breaks our legs

sometimes God breaks our legs because are so insistent on running
its strange how he works, I think, and beautiful and painful at the same time

Haus went running, from us, from God, from the law and then we found him in a hospital bed with a broken ankle and he'll be back now, for two weeks [at least] with his leg elevated and
we will wait on him and wait on him hand and foot
look as much like Jesus as we can, love him as much as we can until he will want to be like Jesus
he's sipped it, but God wants to give him a waterfall
not just a day, an eternity of

not wanting

you shall not want, isn't that what he says? That is what God says. Something about leading us beside still waters. I will embrace that little truth, and it will transform me. [ps 23] As it transforms me, it will transform others because that light will be in my eyes. I can feel it already.

"those who look to God will be radiant." - Ps 34

And I hope he breaks my legs everytime I run, so that he can love me better and so I can learn to love him because loving him is really what its about and loving others is really what its about and its a beautiful truth to learn because then we can throw off things that do not matter like looking the part, and wearing the hat, and getting hot skills, they don't matter, we'll just have our little hearts to give to God in the end, and what we put on our bodies or can do with our hands won't really matter -- he wants our hearts to be tender and movable

we are not free until we are willing to change and to change we must be soft like clay in his hands

Haus is teaching us this softness, its hard sometimes, but we are learning that our arms are always supposed to look like an embrace, open and willing and inviting
(a woman is either a door or a window)

and I hope Haus will die again and again in the alley so that Marvin can be alive again. We don't have two names in Christ because we start wearing Jesus' nametag and then we become beautiful,

but dying hurts sometimes, and is hard sometimes and sometimes it must happen everyday until the way we eat and answer the phone and type and watch people all looks more like Jesus

it's a process, we are always a work in progress and
we are all the same, really
all desperate
all needy
needing to give up our addictions so we can get to God's heart.

I dont quite know how to end this, so, here it goes.

he was old already, like he had already decided on himself
talking about his old knees and desires for snowy day habits, days full of books and wine, and not being able to keep up with her
the running of the years like the gray of his sky, already smoothed out like a dark cloth in an oak table

i feel like i am just discovering me and perhaps that makes me young and ignorant
but i think I'd rather
become a seed
than start
with bad knees and knots on my tree

roots cannot deceive

walkin the west-side

there is a gem walking the West-side
if you see him, would you send him home b/c
alcohol
does not taste as sweet to him anymore
I know it
and the old skin does not fit as well
constricting, tight
once
removed

He's been trying to buckle himself back in since last night
I can see him in that smoke-filled room, Jules is lying on the couch, parts of her hair misplaced, face discolored and they are all congratulating him on coming home

but a piece of gold can no longer be dirt
so tell him the waters on, the waters on

there is a gem walking the West-side

and if you see him can you send him home?


"God is my Helper
He is the sustainer of my soul."
Ps 54:4

before I forget

it used to be that M equalled H, because he was hiding
but tonight he proclaimed that H is dead in the alley and the name,
the name is M now.

A bunch of college students sitting around with drums and candles and hearts for God, tears about stuff they have to dig up to get out

we got it out

and in the corner she said she'd forgotten the FIRST LOVE of her life
and B replied

girl you need to get so lost in God that a man is going to have to pursue God to find you

and did you know, that with God
ten days is long enough for J to have a before and after picture?

that is God's way.

that is God's way

Bro

k

en.

we are.
we are.
we are.

T is rattling past our house, socks, he could use some more socks, socks for shoveling the walk, our walk
C perched on the back porch, calling all of us in

Beef stew, coffee
Derek folded in the kitchen, his frame burried inside of himself
arm on the back of the couch, around Haus,
who can't believe his eyes,
as
J saunters in
[that's God's way]

T, He takes them off, takes them off slowly (it hurts, it hurts)
Michelle warming water in the bathroom, Brad at his feet, at his feet
DM brings the towel, the water
Charla is praying
[that is God's way]

frostbite
is
wincing
D is crying on the back-porch and
we are one
we are one

bro

k

en

we are
we are
we are

and we hurt, huddling in the kitchen, weeping on top of the staircase, crying out

angels, angels, Jesus, JESUS,
is hurting

and charla is singing :
Yes, we will arise, so won't you breath into us
Death has lost the victory

Charla is praying,
B is sending us away,
and we wait
and we wait

and we hurt and we hurt
T tells his story and leaves to bring her back he'll bring her back
he never brings her back

and we wait
and we wait

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, JESUS will. can. does.

2.

Tonight Joe taught me how to role cigarettes and H handed over the bottle, washed his feet for the first time since the New year and took a shower. Perhaps rolling cigarettes is the best way to love the homeless, I will do what it takes to share Jesus. Sometimes it's different than how we plan.

H just said this is much better than the lifestyle they were living. He sits on the couch barefooted waiting for Chip so that he can watch the Jesus movie. The passion.

He listened to DM for 5 minutes singing praises to God and came out claiming Jesus was in that room. He handed Brad his alcohol.

Now he wants to bring all of his friends.

I have found what I want to do the rest of my life. I will give up myself for it. I will give up myself for it. Jesus, here I am.

I am YOURS.

_______________

H has been here two nights now, I've waved numerous times
they are on the veranda smoking

hanging our pictures, bringing in the color
writing songs with my meager guitar chords (is meager spelled wrong, I think it is)

come.
come.

Jesus is talking about his ARMY. Made up of barefooted, sad-songed men who are broken and revived and have the breathe of God inside

there is this new heart inside of them. it looks like my Savior. Is it possible that these men these woman that came stumbling over their own feet have changed to look like the Jesus I serve

Skillet is cooking pork in our kitchen
Michelle is laughing
kate is on her knees in the candle room, it is boiling in the boiler room but not from heat

DM shares the gloves from on his hands with anyone that he can love better by giving them up. He uses everything to love people better. he just brought me pork and potatoes
door opens
door closes
a knife to cut it with

and in this small room with unclean hair and sweat pants, coffee getting colder in the black mug and my lack of eloquent words I just know that Jesus is the realest and I don't need anything else

this small life is paradise.