I listen to

Quite a few people

Remember the person I was

A fire ball, full of passion, respected, alive

It's true. I could write great things when I was lonely and sad and unsettled

And full of passion because passion was my husband then 

The inside of me though

It many times felt hollow and panicked

But I didn't share that 

I don't know quite how to resolve. I worry, am I now too comfortable basking in Gods steadfast love?

I don't read as much as I did bc then i thought i must read countless hours and be on my face. i dont pray as much. Or go as hard. Or write as much. 

But on the inside 

I am well

Where before I was always searching

Anxious

Unaware of rest true rest

I have changed. I don't feel as passionate. I feel more introverted. More happy. More calm. Not as willing to go finding tornadoes to write about. They are more exciting garaunteed

Believe me when I say I want more

I'm trying to get back to a middle ground where I'm calm and yet passionate

I want to feed the orphan still

I want to pour out and into these little faces Gods put in front of me

I want to love my husband 

I no longer feel strained to change the ENTIRE world though

I am sure before that made me look like a person set apart like a person to follow like a champion

But then I was using my own strength and not Gods. 

Though

He carried me. 

And he carried me here in his tight shepherd arms. He settled my heart enough to hear his true vision and now, now the journey is outward. Hawaii taught me this. To open my hands and to fill need where I can, so here I am Lord, send me, because you are the Savior now. I see that. Not me.