I've been away now for a week and a half and God has come with me

I have found a few pieces of Him that are missing to the gigantic puzzle I will never find all the pieces to, but God help me. I will try.

I have been living in a mess the last few years. honestly. a mess of anxiety. I've experienced depression. sadness. self-righteousness. gladness. I've experienced forcing myself out of bed and to the coffee maker so that I could distract myself from thoughts that are crippling. I don't know if you have experienced this, but people do. and as God moves me forward, past them, into fullness and wholeness, God will be glorified. He already is. And yet I must be honest about who I am, who I've been - because I want you to see God in my life.

and God promises me something still.
that tomorrow is hopeful.
that I am chosen.

You wanna know what pieces I found this week? that I have self control. I have accepted Christ and therefore He has given me the spirit of God. The spirit of God gives me the ability to have self control.

I have control over thoughts that produce emotions that produce behavior. when I am in the light, when I think truth, I am free.

truth sets us free.

I have control over anger, bitterness, resentment - I have a will that overcomes emotions. my emotions must submit to my will. I didn't know that before.

God can heal damaged emotions.

I'm weak. I must admit it, because every single day I am at God's mercy.

I used to think that this wasn't a good thing. I used to think it was good to be independent and strong. which it is. but not at the expense of not needing Jesus.

and so I think that is why he broke me.

I deal with fear just like other people do - maybe I have experienced it in a way other people haven't. Maybe I grew up in a church with crippling legalism that leaves my conscience at times guilt-ridden instead of free. Maybe I had a bad boyfriend when I was young that was emotionally abusive. Maybe that is part of my story - part of the great picture and testimony and person God is producing. HIS handiwork.

I asked Him this morning, "God I ask you to do YOUR work in me, don't let it be my work in myself." - because when I try to fix my mess, it gets worse. when I let go of it in God's faithful arms, He comes through.

Maybe these weak things will make me strong - only in Christ.

we are a people fighting for the prize of the upward call - boxing not to just beat the air.

and Christ will overcome. Heal. take apart the pieces of me that I do not understand. sometimes I feel lost, I know you have seen that part of me. But that weak part also shows Jesus, because I, in myself, cannot even breathe - and Jesus wakes me up every morning, and promises that there are good things He has ahead.

I believe that.
I've seen small fragments of it.

I have a small faith, but all we need is a mustard seed.