let me tell you a secret

relationships are not easy.

they aren't. all of them are complex and folded and have hidden things and places in them.

one thing that God has been speaking to me for awhile is
that the biggest hinderance in relationships is control
when you are trying to control the other person to become what you want or get what you want out of them.

it's basically saying that "you are not what I want, become this."
well then, you shouldn't be with that person in the first place I guess.

yes, there is always room for growth
and I don't think that you should never be able to be honest about your heart and your hurts and what is hard
but it is never your job to change that person.
it never once says in the bible, "change your mate"
it just says,
love them.

Love. should be easy.
full of flowers and valentines and love letters and
well, it isn't always that.
love is actually that a long with mostly
putting the other person in front of yourself

taking each word or offense and blessing them back
not trying to GET the other person to be right
but to be right with God
if you are right with God and loving right and being selfless
you will have peace
even if the person you are with is a butthole.

now, I am not recommending that you stay with a butthole
(just for clarification, I am not talking about my man, he is not a butthole, he's a lover, I am talking about relationships in general, not just boy-girl ones)
but I am also saying that if you surrender it to God
if you say, God I can;t change this
I can;t force this
I can't fix this
and stop worrying about the other person
and worry about yourself

he promises
give and it will be given to you.

I have a friend, (tb) who is such a servant to her man
she stands up for him even when he didn't treat her right or hurt her
she would cry and he'd ask why and shed say
"because I love you so much"

bc she loved him so much she wouldn't rebuke or reprove him or tell him what to do
she just trusted God and kept serving him
and now she can't stop talking about how amazing her husband was

because she didn't burden herself with changing him or making him love her right
she just worried about loving him right.

this doesn't make sense to my flesh in fact it fights against my flesh
I dont want to bless anyone when I am offended but God says this is what delights him in 1 Pt 3

I want to yell at people because manipulation is wrong and no one should make me feel bad or try and control me with the mind in order to try and get me to do what they want - but have I not done this to others?
God commands me to treat others as I would want to be treated
and put other peoples needs before my own
and to think of others
and he says in EVERYTHING do this
In EVERYTHING

really, to not think of others is to think of self
and that is not love
and am I filtering each thing I do, EVERYTHING, to treat others with love
to bless others
to be like Christ to others
to not attack and point fingers at others
but to make them feel loved and Christ loves me?

I suck at this. I confess it.
and my anxiety in relationships comes from being afraid I am going to suck at it and be treated bad in return.
and so I am always sifting through comments and actions and accusing in my mind
"that wasn't loving" "that wasn't out of love" "that is wrong of you"
instead of looking at myself and thinking,
"oh my goodness, THAT isn't loving for you to even think that way"

Love is fluffy
but love is hard
and it is not always fluffy
but it is the best way...
it says in the bible that
"Love controls us"
because the spirit of God is in us, and we are one with his spirit

and it is in our new nature to be full of love
if we are walking in the spirit

last night I was offended by someone.
and it ate at me for an hour.
and I kept tossing it around in my head.
wanting to respond negatively.

then God said to me
love covers a multitude of sins
and
when insulted, respond with a blessing instead.
and
treat others the way you would want to be treated.

and it was really my pride that was hurt
and so I had to humble myself before God and man
and live in God's instruction and not in my own rational
because I am always wrong
and I do not want to live by the wisdom of this world which leads to death
but by God's wisdom.

and so I did.

and,
I had a victory.

I actually saw and felt Christ move in me.