...

I want to change

dog-gone-it

I want to become new

I see myself falling into the same dumb patterns

and I wonder to myself, why and how

I have hewn my own cisterns

drank from their wells

anything that is fake is poison

and this fake water

is not going to do me any good

I want LIVING WATER - rain, rain, rain, rain down on me

Isn't another definition of insanity

doing the same thing over and over

and expecting the same results?

We cannot expect something more and new and different

if we are not a changing growing moving living organism

willing to RENEW our mind everyday

I want change

I want to become more in line with the spirit

who points me straight up to God

I want to depend less on myself

and become meek and gentle and quiet

and content in what makes my heart a live

and content to step away from what other people

WANT

WHAT DO I WANT

and even in saying that I hear myself asking

yeah but really you should ask

what does God want

and it's true, so, so, so true

I do want what God wants

and I pray that as I seek Him

as my tree is rooted hardcore in him

as I test my heart and pray through each step

(and hear his voice behind me say,

this is the way, walk in it!)

God shows me that what he puts into his branches

is from Him (he is the vine, I am the branch)

May I get caught up in the union of being His precious

and not as much in producing fruit of being His

that will come without searching for it

"you are precious in my sight

you are honored and I love you

I have called you by name

you are MINE." - Isaiah 43

I have long been enslaved to mans desires

and I want to be free from it

I want to collapse in God's desires for me

repentance is changing the way of thinking

and so 

as I repent

I change my pattern of life

of thinking

I remember the beginning

when I fell in love with Jesus

I couldn't put this book down 

and now I have sort of weaned myself off of depending on its word for breath

but if the word is life and light

and I am not bathing in it every day all day long

then... I am not breathing

and it has been literally harder for me lately

"trust in the LORD the everlasting rock"

As Jayne said earlier tonight... why not trust Him? there is nothing else to trust in?

change

I've changed

in this last year.

I can see that now, looking back

last year I lived at Nancy's

or was trying to move in

not so sure who I was or what I wanted

I just had a little drawer full of ideas

now I am

watching

them

come 

off

the

shelf

[...]

One.

little things first.

I asked God for a laptop so that I could start doing more photo work and documenting

and writing and blogging and keeping a record of everything without straddling a million computers

today I am typing on a mac

a small thing

but the same week I decided to intentionally pray about it

God sent the money for this little white contraption

and

now I am able to do homework

at home

and not spend my life in the sweaty computer lab at school

praise God

and today? Today someone handed me a camera (you should see my journal from two years ago, requesting, God, I could use a camera... if this will glorify you, you could give me one)... to me this is a large thing. GOD LOVES ME, HE DOES... and oh, such friends I have... my heart is really full. really full. and confident that the Lord will care for me and carry me through.

two.

it used to be that I wanted to be everyones friend

not to bless them

I don't think

but more to please man and maybe feel a little bit better about myself

but I have become more friends with the closet lately

meaning, God

I have become a hater of my phone because it distracts me from God

I adore his temple and the quiet mornings at 6 am

and having this little group of people that I call

family

brothers sisters mothers fathers (renee, jayne, tony, jen, dm, chip, tam, jana, nate, and B...)

family, we are

I have let go of relationships, an old church, due to this

but in the mean time

I have found out better who I am

and what I want

and a lot of places that God has brought me that

I'd like to stay... stay? STAY? I get to stay...

and here

my heart feels so alive

and I've discovered that sometimes letting go of things

is the most beautiful way to stay a live

instead of spreading yourself like butter

overtop a lot of things

three.

Last year I was mourning my age

not yet married

no degree

this year?

I'm not planning on marriage until I am 30

and I am going to be pleased with that

and spend these years becoming whole

and beautiful for Jesus [ He is my Lover ]

because I don't really believe that I have to have a man to become whole

or that I need to be with a man to fulfill him

in fact I'd rather meet a man who feels rather complete

who likes that I am complete

because then as we become one

we are not completing the circle

but making one powerful ball of energy

that can really show people who Christ is

I wouldn't mind if that happened before 30

but I don't believe I want to be with someone who is only ready for a nice date

I believe I would like a man who is ready to think about marriage

and I'm happy being a friend

until God glues him to my side

four.

School has been a burden to me for the past 5 years

and slowly I am being weaned off of school...

God is giving me different reasons to go...

a degree is not my identity

but I want to learn

and so next semester I will be only taking 2 classes

and pouring myself more heavily into

[lord willing]

the Girls Bible Study

mentoring

Stockbridge Boiler room

working with my hands in delight

and, as Jen says

finding rest in my work

five.

I am dreaming

in 

ways 

I have 

never dreamt

big enough 

dreams

that they

could

really

only happen

if God was 

driving

[and He is]

I must and will continue on

this time cloaked in different clothes

because the Lord is destroying fear of man

and anxiety

and I am putting His clothes on

His aroma

I cannot will not fail

this

with His supernatual

undeserved 

divine 

assistance

inside of my body

I am a carrier of the Lord's presence

and I accept it.

I can feel me changing

still wearing the same clothes

brushing the same teeth and yet

peace will infest me it will it will it will!

because

where the spirit of the Lord is

there is Freedom

and I have been praying for that for years

[and finally I can feel the spirit]

and so finally

I am becoming free!!!

2.

I can see the summer falling

off the trees.

a few minutes in Africa

in one of the most beautiful shacks in Masi

the roof was naked and I could see all his bones

the curtain was undressing the window 

and some was coming in

clicking in their language, the girls were 

touching their chins and the roots of their hair and their cheeks

three had sad

sad

sad

eyes

on the floor of the pink room the floor was covered in oranges spilt out

the walls had been touched a lot without apology and W was coming in and coming out

leaning her backbone on the corner or bending with her larger side up

elbows on the couch that does that match the green of her walls

Andisiway had her hand over her eyes or on the tips of her dreadlocks

and Missy said, he loves you, [Jesus does] over and over and

Andisiway just touched her forehead and pretended not to listen and pretended she didn't need this great love and like it couldn't get past her haughty eyes

but I know a mystery she doesn't and I have said a prayer according to the will of the Lord

and I have asked a mountain to move in the name of Jesus and perhaps the next time

the next time I see her

her eyes will be soft and she will weep easier

with great joy

God was coming in through the curtains and kissing the girls left cheek

leaning up against the cupboard and dancing in Bethany's eyes in Bethany's smile

in the girl with the round round face, in her thirsty eyes

God was throwing Himself at her, actually and quietly screaming Himself at W

He had his hands on Beautiful's head as she put her face inside of the bible and said in Cosa that she loves Jesus but she does not see Him but she wants to keep coming to learn

but she does not see Him but she loves Him 

and I thought that was very real and very beautiful of her to say

it smelled like urine in the house as she explained with her hands that it's good to learn about God, clicking in Cosa, she had heard about God before,

Jesus is the only way she said with

peace filled eyes

Freedom

if you invite the LORD

into every situation

I have a feeling that as you move as he moves

you will feel this kind of...

peace

that you

cannot understand

thankfulness pouring out because you just

can't believe

what the LORD is up to

and willing to pour onto you

Jesus, all for Jesus

it is only in your will

that I am free

PS. Brad, what the heck are you talking about?

new friends

I feel like I just made 5 new friends

although I have been living with them the past months

I feel like I just decided on them... I cannot explain it

perhaps I have been holding them off at a distance because this is temporary

and these friendships will be gone soon

and it is easier that way - to hold them away from me

but

this is family

and these friendships are eternal and

I shouldn't be so guarded

so I wanted to say thank you thank you thank you God!

for the people you have placed in my life

for such a time as this

I love my new friends

who I want to link arms with now

I feel something has just shifted...

it started with this morning

in fact I hear the laughter still from in the next room

over stolen airplane cups and french pressed coffee with soy milk

Brooke sharing her deepest fleshly thoughts about each one of us

mine, which made me cry

I've had the ability to experience such love

for which I rarely take a step back to look at 

eating breakfast every morning together after 6 am prayer together

every morning

[these people screaming beautiful character traits after each other

and if you call them by their real name you have to touch your back to the floor

you wouldn't understand unless you lived with us

and I want to my family to be like this someday

quirky and alive and real]

I have grown to love the late-night chats with my sisters who

I never have had before

Brooke with her tender heart but very pointed honesty

not only about other people but most importantly she is unafraid

to be honest about herself

even in her weakness

and it makes her transparent and beautiful and pushes me everyday

to be unafraid of being weak so that I can be made strong

only in Christ

Sarah, this new cistern of complete joyfulness

the forceful extended hug after I returned from Africa

which was unexpected and delightful

she really did

miss me

She has become playful and delightful to be around

I love to be in her presence now, it is rare to catch her without delight in her face

I want her to know that

I'd tell it to her face but she isn't in the same room right now

and I am smiling about it now

Sarah B, my new room-mate

what sincerity pours out of that woman

before she moved here I told everyone she was a role model for me

that has not changed.

She never says a word she does not mean,

and in James there is so much said about the tongue that

I believe she has memorized it

what does pour out is sincere sincere love

even this morning when she complimented me on my hair

(bed-head)

she said "I just had to say it, there was nothing false in it!"

which backs up what I just said

Sincere Sarah

and sitting in front of me is breakfast (I am in bed)

breakfast in bed for the first time, DM coming in dressed like a waiter

the first time he has made oatmeal

I am spoiled, God, spoiled by this life and these people that reflect you

you really do love me, don't you?

for really, really, really

I am tickled pink by your great love

it has changed me

let it change me

these relationships have taught me who God is

this is a piece of the Kingdom of Heaven

I am tasting it now

already seated it says (Eph 2) in the heavenly places

awaiting my Bridegroom

and I want to say thank you, that I accept your great love, God

why is it so hard for me to accept your great love?

show me more!