there was that charcoal porch where the breaking and healing began back there in 2007.

In 2011, I still sit here, now, with Marcy and a few piles of freshly cut hair, the boys and man upstairs watching the game
Mya, I am sure, was on a couch somewhere pretending she was a lapdog
and Kevin had shaken out his shirt, Max was somewhere between here and Wayland

and it felt whole while the wind blew over us, like something had happened
something had healed.

all is well.
finally feels somewhat real.

we talked of dreams. and the years of journals and pages that had been flipped through, and now we were sitting inside those dreams, and it felt like life had always felt. We remarked how very crazy it was that God had brought us to the places we had asked, and yet, even though our prayers had been fulfilled and we praised God for the lessons a long the way and the dreams fulfilled in our hearts - it still felt somewhat fulfilled and yet empty. not empty in a bad way, just not in a full way.

yet, the garden still grows flowers, and the trees still bud, and the bugs still make those creaking noises at night. the seasons keep coming and going. And God never changes. despite all of it. all of the moving,

from home to Bangladesh, to home, to Jana's, to Africa, to Nancy's, to the Boiler room, to the Smiths, to Alaska, to the Harangozo's, to home and now, there is a small little house on Frederick that may be calling our name if the Lord wills.

And Max? Max Garter? I remember watching him from far away, that tall quiet man and now, sometimes he feels commonplace, but he is not. they are never commonplace, our dreams fulfilled. But I will run these roads with him and do yoga in the living room and who would have thought that a year ago? I must still remark and look at him and praise God for fulfilled dreams! We forget. so often. and Brooke is back where she belongs (Westside) but now there is a baby on her hip and a wedding band, and Daniel is still walking with a Chelsea and it is as it should be, and Jay gardens, Jana will soon birth again and the womb will again be empty along with Marcy, and Tammy is dreaming and moving with me (Lord Willing) just like we DREAMED a year and a half ago, making a pact to live together before we get married and I could go on and on and on and on and on and on

there are a lot of journals and pages and dreams fulfilled because God has ears

and yet
we let them run empty, not empty in a bad way, just not in a full way
we remember and still
we let them run empty

I want to applaud that emptiness because I think that it is God's way of showing us that we can chase, we can dream, we can become fulfilled in all of these things - JOY -- what joy! in fulfilled dreams. but they do run empty.

and this is not wrong.

there is a reason that they wane.

Because He is the only thing that fills, and if we had all that we wanted to have here and felt all we wanted to feel here, we wouldn't chase after more or dream of that place called heaven where we get to be with Him in GLORY

and if all of the things around us filled us, we would never have to ask Him to.

And, then I found that quote that Marcy was talking about that day on the porch when time stood still and things felt full and I got to embrace all that God has given me with all of my arms

B, she spoke about this dreaming that I am talking about...

5

i think that one thing we are learning these days is that dreams are far less lovely in their actuality than in the imagination. like this thing with the neighborhood boys and bikes (“this is what i dreamed of,” tim said one day after answering the millionth request for help, “so i guess i can’t scorn it.”) being a parent is another example, of course. and so is missional living in a neighborhood with not much going for it. and now there’s this other dream… a Big One; the one that drew tim and i together with a sense of shared purpose foundational to our marriage… and it, too, is inching into actuality… so it, too, is starting to feel a little less romantic. we dream without even knowing the cost. i wonder if the dreams of God planted in our hearts are the only ones that can survive the onslaught of Coming True. and i wonder what will happen to this one. all i know is that i stand at the threshold with more ambivalence than i would have predicted.

(being vague for now intentionally).

6

remember: to stand behind a good man with all your strength and conviction, and to raise a child with all your wisdom and endurance are large enough contributions to humanity and the Kingdom.