I can't imagine

the fawn lay there, it's neck cocked back awkwardly on the cement
eyes glazed over, the speckles on it's back blowing awkwardly in the wind



Since Derek passed I've thought a lot about death
and I have tried to put my own feet into Charities shoes
(i cannot imagine)

again last Sunday, the lie crept in, the one about how you won't be able to handle it when someone close to me dies
(its never happened, I can't imagine)

I do not fear death for myself at all, I WANT to see God
seated on His throne
the Sapphire, the angels, the sounds

but I've been asking God about death.

as I mixed color a few weeks back, I felt God nudge me

"Remember Lazarus, Chelsea? I wept. I cry for Charity and the girls. I'm with them. I'll be with you too."

the other week I asked God more, I asked Him why

why murders? why killings? why disease? why abortion? why abuse? Rape? divorce?

how would I handle it?
(it is something you don't know unless it happens, until it happens
I cannot imagine)

then I saw the fawn, crippled, lying there, dead? dying?
I felt God answer me,

"Because of sin in the world, Chelsea. Beautiful things are broken. It's not like I look on it and am pleased. I hate it like you do."

and I understood better, God's heart. This heart that I want to understand. This heart I want to seek after for my entire life so that my heart is like His heart.

Last Sunday, it came again. once more. roaring questions like before.

"Why accidents? why house fires? clutched lungs? You have control over those! Why do babies die? Why the three deaths on Bennett in the last few years? why cancer?"

I stood behind Mrs. N during church that morning. completely unaware of what God was setting up. Last year her son died in a tragic car accident - and just a few weeks ago, it had been a year, and her other son crumbled on my couch in grief for his brother. The tattoo of his brother initials on his wrist, his vein pulsing, his eyes crunched together.

Mrs. N stood with her hands outstretched to her Lord in complete adoration and worship. in surrender. in love. in devotion to the God she submits to, and I felt God answer me

"I gave up my son too Chelsea. To benefit you. And even though her son was taken, she, in the end, gave him to me. She did not hold him back. She surrendered him to me."

I just wanted to share that.

This is a verse God shared with me since as well:

"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saints." -Ps. 116:15