4:10 am

I was thinking about this place that I live

thinking about the God who brought me here

its simple and I think that that is half of it's beauty

not because its an attempt to be simple

or a fad or a trend

we aren't trying to be trendy

but there is something about the bare minimum that asks us to depend on God

and God said the righteous will live by faith

what does that mean to you?

when we really strip it down

when we really see life for what it really should be or is

when it's really just me and God in a room and I am exposed because He sees me exactly as I am and there is no hiding its not about the room or the people or the music or the paint (I've said this before and I am saying it again because I have to remind myself again) its about the fact that I am with Him and that I love Him and He loves me and sometimes I find it very hard to sit still and to know that, to really really know that because I am so distracted by the paint on everything (just the gloss of life, the masks I wear, or people wear) and the people and if people like me and love me and think well of me and sometimes I am too distracted by all the needs of the people and all the prayers I feel like I should be praying or the world will fall apart

but there is something about God that reminds me

that He has it all together

and 

I am

really not that necessary 

only like a finger of the hand

(and then I can breathe again)

and that really all I need to be doing is the next thing

and what he puts in front of me

(maybe we should stop looking for it so hard and stressing over it so much)

maybe that would bring us to rest

maybe our hands shouldn't be busy until they are busy in the knowledge that they are working for the Almighty God and that He is pleased, so pleased

just a thought

and do I really love God or the idea of loving God? Like Paul Washer says, do I really believe in Him, am I really saved? How do I know? am I needing him everyday or filling that need with other people, things, ideas? Am I asking to be saved by Him everyday? counting on Him for air in my lungs, the next meal that He may ask me to share? Is he really my bread, my water?

Joe said something along these lines when he stumbled into the prayer room the other night. He's prayed maybe three times out loud (that I have heard) in the time I have known him, and this prayer was beautiful. He says, he gives up. He needs God. He needs God to save Him.

that meant emptying out his life, 

throwing away the bottle (which he promised God he'd do)

maybe that means God giving him dignity to wash, to become clean, really clean

shaved

beautiful

and sometimes I think we should strip the prayer room down

the walls bare

the floor bare

just a room

would people still come?

Do they come to worship God, really? Do I? would I give up all the extras for Christ.

now I am not really saying we should strip down the prayer room

but I am saying that

I need to strip down my life

and...

What does it really mean that if I want to save my life I'll lose my life?

What is God asking of me?

of you?

This morning I couldn't stop thinking about the insides of a jail cell 

I have a few brothers in Christ that have been there

just them and God and the cussing profane cell mates

and God is still there

Some of us may see the insides of a jail cell, like Joseph

and our life would still have as much meaning

not because of what we are doing with our time and energy

but because we are with God

loving God

loved by God

So I wonder

if I'd be strong enough

to be joyful

in a jail cell

like Paul, Peter, the crazy few who praised the Lord loud enough to change the hearts of the jail hounds

What is that story? the one about the men who sold their lives into slavery so they could reach the unchurched slaves...

Do I really believe God is it?

really?

I give up so easily at times

think I have really messed it up for good this time

maybe jail would good for me because I need to be confident that God is love and God's love has indeed saved me from myself

Is God the one consistent thing to us? Are we followers before during and after, or only when the time is right?

Why do I let the little things taint it?

I want to be a worshipper of God

and

that is it. 

Then burdens, persecutions, beatings

things we don't even imagine

would mean little

because on the scope of this life (Dm's words)

all that we have and need and should live for is Jesus

and I feel like all of my blogs have been about this

but I feel like I am just getting it and want to keep getting it for the rest of my life and want other people to get it

we (I) should stop trying to change the world and start trying to change our hearts and from the light in us He will spill out

sometimes people say they see it when we simply walk the neighborhood

they know something bigger is happening here

and I think that is beautiful

and when they want it

then they receive the gospel with a needy, meek, heart

and then it takes root and

then there is a tree.

Jesus proclaimed the gospel to those who came to hear Him, who wanted healing

I want to want healing

I want to want Jesus' kiss

even in a bare, cold room

that's what I woke up wanting

which one of you did it? huh? which one of you got on your knees for joe? 

because,

he's home.

[praise the LORD!]

ps. Brooke and I also had the honor of taking in a new woman, Heather, to the ER yesterday as she was going through withdrawals. She started drinking at age nine and yesterday said she was ready to quit. It's amazing, making new friends. please be in prayer for her on this journey! 

Woke

 up this morning

waved at M-tin who was rummaging in the yard through his cans

this Holy sort of sadness on my shoulders

because of how needy I am for God and how often I fill it with something else

Sarah was quite McClusive today, 

made me cry as she washed my feet

and now she is singing out not looking back and it's beautiful and I remember praying for her to get a song birds voice a few months back and it's coming now and

God I just want to praise you

for the song in the car this morning as you did some healing or building or knitting

you'r good at ripping seams and knitting friendships, I like you.

We grabbed some tuna and lettuce and ran into C-dy on our way inside

who is she, really, that lonely woman on the cluttered porch of the house she stays at but doesn't live at that is about to get hit soon, the house that woke her up at 4 am, yes yes this is where she grew up, no home, yes yes she has kids, no, they're both in jail, yes, she wishes we could take her in, yes, she'll let us know, she'll be back, maybe one of these days she'll change her life

who is she, an addict, a prostitute? a desperate woman yearning for the beauty of the LORD to fill her. It was an honor eating salad with her this afternoon. It filled me more than the salad did or DM's burrito. It's what God promises will happen if you share your bread with the hungry and live to break strongholds and release the prisoners, He says your light will break forth from the dawn, the glory of the Lord will be my rear guard

I feel that.

I have joy.

real.

joy.

This afternoon was gorgeous, really

praying with Joash at 4 and recording and writing new songs to God with DM this afternoon

feeding M-tin, Dave, and Joe Black some potato salad and bread with butter

(I forgot forks at first) walking the neighborhood with April

running into Joe who looks miserable and desperate on that broken concrete step wearing pants he hasn't cleaned in a month and facial hair that is taking over his face, his hair greasy. Says he feels more like an animal than a man. He isn't. He is a man made in the image of God who needs redemption and I want everyone to get on their knees for this man who is desperate and doesn't quite know how to change the man he's been for 50 years. He has an idol named alcohol (we all have idols) who he loves more than God and more than us because he is following it and desire

we can always tell our desires

by the actions we take

our actions speak highly to the intentions and loves of our heart

and I should be able to tell within an hour of chatting with you what the love of your heart is

and I wonder if you'd know, I hope you'd know who the love of my heart is

after an hour of me

(even after writing this I see there are parts of me that aren't Jesus like,

yet.

oh to have heaven to get there.)

because I am learning that

walking with God, learning how, it, alone, brings comfort

to be w. Him. 

oh, to be w. Him

is everything

We left to chase the sun tonight, the beach was calling us with the way it was pushing his sun all over the right side of the house and the lawn and the faces

kissed lil David and his sister Amier on the forehead on our way out 

(they yelled they loved me as I walked away, they must not get much love because I've barely given them any of me and they love me and yell for me from below and I plan on loving them better from now on)

found ourselves

on sunset beach with two guitars and 5 girls and one boy

watched the sun plop and tried to determine when we can say the sun has set

we made up a word or two

and communed

over ice cream and

popcorn

truly? this simplicity

has changed me

the love of God has changed me

I don't need panic to occupy me any longer

because God does and the Holy Spirit does and I see that I am the worst of sinners

and yet this Grace

has cured me.

Turn back to me

"There was a prophetess, Anna... she never left the temple, serving night and day with fasting and prayers... giving thanks to God... continued to speak of Him to all who were looking for the redemption..." Luke 2:36-38

"One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I may seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of the LORD, to meditate in His temple..."

meditate: to murmur the words under breath all day long and all night long

"in His law he meditates day and night... he will become like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yield fruit in it's season, it's leaf does not whither, and in whatever he does, he prospers." - Psalm 1

"How lovely are Thy dwelling places, Oh LORD of hosts! My soul longed and even yearned for the courts of the LORD, My heart and my flesh sing for joy to the living God... the bird also has found a house, and the swallow a nest for herself..." (God's dwelling place is our home!) "How blessed are those who dwell in Thy house! They are ever praising Thee... a day in Thy courts is better than a thousand outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God, than dwell in the tents of wickedness... no good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly... how blessed is the man who trusts in Thee..." Psalm 84

"Because you relied on the LORD, he delivered them into your hand." 2 Chron 16:8

____________________________________________________________________

The place I am most full is this place with God where I am free from distraction

sitting in His temple (between His hands)

we all want to be with Him

we all want Him

it is really all that we all want

why is it so hard to get there

to have both of my eyes and ears on Him

I want to worship with my life, to walk next to God, to abide in Him, to remember that HE is indeed inside of me

to get all of my worth from His words of love for me

what does this worship look like?

to be led by the Spirit and walk with God like Enoch did

I want it

I yearn for it

nothing else satisfies

I want us to feel something because when we feel we know we are alive in there somewhere and that our heart still beats for something that we feel is extraordinary

this is what God calls extraordinary

To Joe and Marie and that one someone

you put yourself up for me to see, awaiting the wind to knock you down and turn you over

and I looked twice and then walked away because no matter how many recipes I have for wind none of them really work, I have tried making it with my mouth, blowing really really hard but it was not enough to knock you down and turn you over, you see, and so walking away and talking to God about you seems like the best solution 

for us

for now

2.

Janessa came with questions

beautiful beautiful questions 

sleeping on my orange futon and on the veranda, if you can call it that, all ripped up and unpainted with that hole filled door

delighted to be a part of Joash and I and Brooke and Sarah

Life has been different here, Marvin leaves for Mission Bible Training today, a rehab up North, saying he'll stay as long as God asks but is hoping he can leave sooner rather than later. I feel the same way I felt when he went under the water a few weeks ago claiming Jesus and Lord. It was at that moment, one of those kind of moments that you just know God is really real.

Prayer is coming a live for me as well as God's calling in Acts, the bit about being DEVOTED to prayer and ministry of the word. Prayer is the ministry. Meeting with God is the ministry. Learning Him to become like Him is the ministry. And I want to make one thing clear, nobody needs candles or guitars and music or dim lights to worship. worship, I am learning it's a lifestyle. And when it is a lifestyle your heart starts folding over and your face looks a different and your step is lighter. I am still learning how to make all of this about God, and how to love my neighbor in the way I love myself because I am pretty selfish most of the days. And I am learning little things, like a way to love better is just to listen and to sit and really look at the one person in front of you. Quit trying to love everyone all at once, I keep learning. It doesn't work that way, God gives specific people to love, and we don't have to make everyone happy, only God happy and He will really mess up a life for the better I tell you what. 

it's simple, Im learning how simple it is to love

bike riding with little David or teaching Melissa that she's a great artist even if she doesn't like what she sees on the paper. It is not about what we create, and I so often think it is. It is about the unseen things. Everyone gets so frustrated because no one can define love, but that is because it isn't something that can be seen, only learned and known and lived. And that's how it is with God too. He wants to be learned and known and lived. He says

my yoke is easy

my burden is light

and its almost like most of the time we were looking for a burden to put on so it looked like we were actually doing something instead of filling up our time with praying for the hearts of joe and dean and marie and martin and Jules

who is in the hospital by the way because her body is wasting away because the only thing she is depending on is vodka

I have realized that we all have little idols

little things we dont want to give away or can't give away. But like Paul I want to call it all rubbish for the sake of Christ.

He's teaching me that he is real and that it is worth it, you'd think I'd know by now but I have to keep learning that I dont want more stuff and that everything i do have and say and think and do should behind it have a testimony of who He is. 

So, sometimes  I think that means getting rid of everything because a lot of what we have is a distraction and Greg says uproot anything that does not make God pleased and that seems so easy but its so so hard because really really I am attached to way more than what I thought

but there is something about those verses about giving up all of your possessions and that rich young ruler walking away with sadness because he'd rather have had riches than Christ and I don't want to be that guy but I have faith issues I want to learn to live out of a theology of abundance because my Father is rich and will not withhold anything good from those that love Him (ps 34) He has such a messed up way of doing things, or maybe it is our way that is messed up, give to receive, love enemies, turn the other cheek, overcome evil with good-- these are not statements of the world. 

so maybe we should start doing things a little backwards. 

maybe the way we live should look a little strange.

maybe

strange 

should 

look

more

normal

and that is another thing I have been struggling with, this boiler room place I work at that is such a delight, it shouldn't be that mind boggling

I've been thinking that this place isn't that weird because all of our houses should be houses of prayer and should have doors that open to neighbors

Houses that claim Jesus as the one they serve should have constant worship, shouldn't they? shared meals? determination to love one another like they love themselves...

I want to understand why the boiler room stands out.

oh,

I love you.

confession

I have an addiction to people and people's favor

two things suffer because of this

a lack of sleep and

lack of time with God

sitting with Janessa on the floor of my kitchen this morning

moist hands from washing dishes (with Jesus next to me)

I told her I want a new addiction

Jesus.

[when I am too concerned about the matters of this world] I forget that each little thing, putting mousse in my hair, eating a green apple, slumber, each of these are things that I can do with and for my Lord, but when I am in a hurry or not doing everything I do fully

I find

that the little things tend not to matter much to me and start looking broken and unorganized and dirty (my car, my toenails, the corners of my room, dishes in the sink)

and if I am not faithful in the little I wont be faithful in much

and faithfulness means more than just getting things done

if I am faithfully preparing a meal for my husband

I will do it with love and with care because I want him to enjoy 

every.

single.

bite.

so, too, with Christ

may He enjoy me

as I am faithful

in the little

[and I should prepare my house, my words, my heart appropriately because Jesus will be walking the floors of my house today and really, really, really? He's the only one I should be doing anything for.]

be with me

be with me

be with me

i feel like God is saying to me

Just me

Just me

Just me

over and over and

sing

sing

sing

about

Just me

Just me

Just me

and quit trying to love everyone so much and start loving

me

me

me

because out of that will leak out love for others because I will be thinking thoughts that sound a more like His and then my thoughts of others will sounds more like His

and if that means I am not seen or heard or known or someone that is well known for being a part of the boiler room or my family I will still know I must still know that my heart is right 

and I won't know that until I know that my insides are the only thing that I can bring to God and that I would use my gifts and my voice for just Christ because I don't want to be like a Pharisee I dont need to be seen or heard and even this even this I want to stop saying now

God I just want my heart to be right I want to stop loving other people and i want to stop getting confused with the fact that loving other people means pleasing other people because it doesn't 

and what I do for anyone else and any love I give to anyone else means nothing if I am not doing it out of God love

so maybe God is inviting me into an exclusive time

opening up his robe a little bit saying, come into the folds

be quiet with

just me

just me

just me

in order

I took my insides out this week because they were all dusty and dirty and painted the wrong colors and maybe they shouldn't be painted at all 

I kept looking at the things I could do with my hands and the things Jesus has allowed me to do with my hands and thinking that I looked pretty pretty you know all glossy on top

but then I realized that makeup doesn't really cut it if the people who love you most still get to see you with it off and I decided I wanted to be beautiful on the underside too you know despite the abilities and the curls and the mascara

there is something beautiful about naked you know everyone knows it and says it and it was truly the way it was intended to be until we had to put on clothes and hide ourselves because of the darkness we had employed our hands in

I do not want to hide more than I have to

I want to have nothing to hide

and so I say I have had a rough time sharing my friends I've been kind of grasping on to them in a fear of loss and pushing them away because they hurt me and then there is no middle space

and so I say I have had to learn to understand what it means to be truly God's and not give any of your heart not any of your heart not any of your heart to a man because I have been and he doesn't even know it and its foolish but I am withdrawing now and putting him behind a wall and letting God's light fill my side and trusting that God will fill his and I am not planning or guessing or even dreaming about him only giving him away

and I have struggled with feeling adequate for jen for tony for sarah for dm for michelle for mom and dad and the bros for brooke for chip for jana for tammy and realized that I will never be enough for them and they shouldn't count on my for anything really because God is the filler and my only job is to love in the capacity that I can and really I should love God to such a fullness that it appears to the world that I hate my friends family sisters brothers lovers 

and I want to be that girl who if you can't find her you can guess where she is

off reading her bible somewhere or talking to her God or in His temple

He leads me beside still waters

I shall not want

my cup overflows

2.

I feel like God has sort of pulled us out of ourselves

to put us back in

except this time in order

We lost most of them

two to jail

two to the streets

one quick relapse if you want to call it that

one home from the streets to find his way up north where he can be restored

and put pack in

except this time in order

Chip sat down next to me last week and asked 

how come he doesn't know me

and I realize these women that I live with though I live with them

do I know them

and this whole time I have been fighting for lost sisters (amber, marie, antoinette) while

the sisters who have been given me to exclusively love

we haven't had the time to love

so this week has been good

and quiet

and today it is raining and I gave Jen the pieces of me

and she put them back in 

except this time in order

and it helps to speak about yourself

all the little pieces of yourself

that don't seem quite right

it helps to say yourself out loud to people that love you

and want you to be in order for this time

and I feel like that might be on the verge of happening now

as we learn to listen

and feel

and not be numb to the problems or the joys

feeling

is

a 

gift

as is honesty about the feelings

and 

we need to know ourselves

to fix ourselves

and that is what I plan on doing

because as I sit closer to Jesus

in his lap

feel His breath on my face

I can see my brokenness better

and it hurts

but believe it or not feeling the brokenness brings more joy because it shows that despite the scars and the shattered glass of the vase I tend to destroy despite his beautiful craftmenship

his arms are still wrapped around me

and he puts the pieces back together

except

in order this time

I am not a painter a guitar player a writer a listener a friend a daughter a poet a photographer an intern 

I am a lover of the Lord Jesus Christ