in order

I took my insides out this week because they were all dusty and dirty and painted the wrong colors and maybe they shouldn't be painted at all 

I kept looking at the things I could do with my hands and the things Jesus has allowed me to do with my hands and thinking that I looked pretty pretty you know all glossy on top

but then I realized that makeup doesn't really cut it if the people who love you most still get to see you with it off and I decided I wanted to be beautiful on the underside too you know despite the abilities and the curls and the mascara

there is something beautiful about naked you know everyone knows it and says it and it was truly the way it was intended to be until we had to put on clothes and hide ourselves because of the darkness we had employed our hands in

I do not want to hide more than I have to

I want to have nothing to hide

and so I say I have had a rough time sharing my friends I've been kind of grasping on to them in a fear of loss and pushing them away because they hurt me and then there is no middle space

and so I say I have had to learn to understand what it means to be truly God's and not give any of your heart not any of your heart not any of your heart to a man because I have been and he doesn't even know it and its foolish but I am withdrawing now and putting him behind a wall and letting God's light fill my side and trusting that God will fill his and I am not planning or guessing or even dreaming about him only giving him away

and I have struggled with feeling adequate for jen for tony for sarah for dm for michelle for mom and dad and the bros for brooke for chip for jana for tammy and realized that I will never be enough for them and they shouldn't count on my for anything really because God is the filler and my only job is to love in the capacity that I can and really I should love God to such a fullness that it appears to the world that I hate my friends family sisters brothers lovers 

and I want to be that girl who if you can't find her you can guess where she is

off reading her bible somewhere or talking to her God or in His temple

He leads me beside still waters

I shall not want

my cup overflows

2.

I feel like God has sort of pulled us out of ourselves

to put us back in

except this time in order

We lost most of them

two to jail

two to the streets

one quick relapse if you want to call it that

one home from the streets to find his way up north where he can be restored

and put pack in

except this time in order

Chip sat down next to me last week and asked 

how come he doesn't know me

and I realize these women that I live with though I live with them

do I know them

and this whole time I have been fighting for lost sisters (amber, marie, antoinette) while

the sisters who have been given me to exclusively love

we haven't had the time to love

so this week has been good

and quiet

and today it is raining and I gave Jen the pieces of me

and she put them back in 

except this time in order

and it helps to speak about yourself

all the little pieces of yourself

that don't seem quite right

it helps to say yourself out loud to people that love you

and want you to be in order for this time

and I feel like that might be on the verge of happening now

as we learn to listen

and feel

and not be numb to the problems or the joys

feeling

is

a 

gift

as is honesty about the feelings

and 

we need to know ourselves

to fix ourselves

and that is what I plan on doing

because as I sit closer to Jesus

in his lap

feel His breath on my face

I can see my brokenness better

and it hurts

but believe it or not feeling the brokenness brings more joy because it shows that despite the scars and the shattered glass of the vase I tend to destroy despite his beautiful craftmenship

his arms are still wrapped around me

and he puts the pieces back together

except

in order this time