which I figured was quite stubborn
and unordinary
and probably a rare case
guess I was wrong.
I found inside of it this cloak of pride that I misconstrued as independence or not settling or something rare and ugly
and it sort of made me haughty, no?
in the midst of this pride, I have also realized that I have been walking in a state of weakness. Sort of letting it cling to me
unexpectedly taking over my thoughts my actions my heart
I don't want it any more
I am giving that dress back to the one who sewed it and told me it was lovely
I want to be brazen and zealous again
I want a different sort of uniform
I want the power of the Lord to fall on me, whatever that looks like
I am not going to try and get to it, swim to it walk to it need it run into its arms
I am just going to ask and wait for the robe that probably doesn't look like beauty
to the world
but you know what I have heard? "strangeness is always in proportion to beauty." I forget who said it.
and that's ok with me. I'm strange. deal with it.
I want to use my eyes to look into other peoples
without shame
or bondage
or fear of being the one God has created me to be
whatever that means
bring it on [show me the way]
beauty never looked like this to me before but now that I am knocking on this door
it's kind of intriguing and a great metaphor for what I am wanting in myself
and I am seeing a new side in me, a new desire for something I didn't think I really had in me
[and I kind of like it about myself]
But it's not me, not me really
its this Jesus who has taken residence in my soul
yeah, Jesus,
with you in control
I am a lion,
a tiger
a bear for you
I want to be a nut for you, as Dan Mike says
whatever that looks like, if it means me curling up in a ball on the floor for an hour everymorning to listen to your voice and talk to you about my fears
I'm game
and if it means removing nail polish off of Joe Oaks fingers with love
I'm game
I want to love love love love LOVE
to scream you with the little things I do
I think I have wanted big displays too long, and I'm really sorry about that God
because I think I have more power in quiet devising of good deeds
you say a woman of you does that sort of thing, good deeds
and she's gentle and feminine and
rockin the house
unashamed [Proverbs 30:30]
with a meek [I need need need need need you Jesus!] power
[there is such a thing, I have read about a man who displayed this, a man who walked the earth in love with God, a quiet, unrushed man (as Jen puts it) who was the most powerful man that ever walked the earth, His name is Jesus]
YES! Jesus, what we have is real and intimate and personal
and I like what we have
what we have together I do not need to compare to anyone else
I like that I only have to listen to you and that
"Never get your christianity from anyone else" - Jen (Just Christ!)
everyone else's opinion or statements
are just statements
because someday I am going to stand in front of the most Holy God
the Creator of the Universe
that I can feel behind me now
and His opinion is really all that matters.
[Quotes by Mom Theresa I found quite wonderful today:]
"God has not called me to be successful, God has called me to be faithful."
" Many people talk about the poor. Very few people talk to the poor. We will never know how much a simple smile can do."
"Be not afraid. God loves you and wants us to love one another as He loves us. As miserable, weak and shameful we are, He loves us with and infinitely faithful love."
"It is not what we do, but how much love we put into it."
"thoughtfulness is the beginning of great sanctity."
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