I have decided that this next season is going to be about

trust.

rest.

and him.

because I have not trusted God well in my life

and there has been a battlefield of my mind in regards to letting go and seperating myself from my family and my old church and the old mind and wondering which parts are not truth

which parts do not give me life

which parts can I let go of?

Can I be saved from them all and start again?

Can I embrace a new way?

it's scary and needed. 

I want to rest because my mind needs it. to get past confusion.

to know that

it. is. okay.

it. is. right.

I. am. free.

I. am. loved.

it's okay to lay down. to use my hands in love and not in labor.

walk. with. His. hand. in mine.

(that is rest.)

resting is like a breath, like a prayer, moving out of peace and the spirit, I think instead of

flesh. self. franticness.

can you pray for me?

I really really need to learn this. for real. to ask for it. to pray for it. to wait for it until it comes.

I believe this is how God wants to change me.

to rest is also to trust.

to rest and to trust is to love and which is also what brings me to the next part.

him.

there's an amazing man in my life. a man. 

I really like him, you see... and...

it has been like pulling my teeth out to trust

and to rest in him

to believe him

and I don't quite know why.... but I want to.

and I want to take his hand and walk next to him

and I want everyone to know how wonderful he is

how careful he is with me

and that I have no been looking at him with God's eyes but

(I will now) 

thank you jen.

I want to become like a warm blanket. a warm place. a safety. a friend. 

I think that it means laying myself down

maybe that is why it has been so hard, I have been afraid of becoming unprotected in the way I have protected myself

and he kept asking that I'd be the walls of jericho

so that my walls can come down

I see it starting

I am seeing with new eyes

but I want a new mind, soul, body

so I can love better

trust better

rest better

can you help me? can you be honest with me? it would really help.

how can I grow?