Yesterday

morning our SAC club met at the wealthy street bakery and God laid out a theme

transparency. 

hiding, I have learned is something Christians are quite good at.

My best friend, Jana has taught me so much about this word. (You can find her blog in my blog list under Bengali Mama.) This, transparency, the only way that we as people can offer ourselves as real, whole, valid to other people.

and what are we if we cannot offer ourselves to other people.
laying out our person, our humanness, our weakness
the things that make us most human, needy for people, for help, for a rescuer

(for God.)

Transparency, the thing that you sense or do not sense in a person when you first meet
are they hiding
guarded
fake
trying to prove something
the uneasiness we feel around a person that we cant quite put our finger on

the thing that allows us to be comfortable in our skin,  and makes others comfortable around our skin.

(may I interject, I do believe there are places to be guarded, to hide, to not share intimate details with everyone. just for clarification.)

I realized after our conversation how little I confess. I keep the dark dirty the ugly parts of me hidden and only exposed to a small crowd of people I call family or friends.

but I am learning, only in my confessions can people relate. only in my hardship and the muscle I gain through hardship makes me relatable to another person in their struggles. it allows me to step down and look them in the eye and know and see in my humanness that I am just as they are.


"with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself" phil 2

To regard another as more important than myself I must become comfortable with the fact that I am flawed. nobody wants to expose themselves around someone who is not exposed and unwilling to be so.

I want to be relatable. I want people to know that I am as you are, I am less than you are. I want to be small as Jana says. I want people to know what I have struggled with and gone through so they know that I can be a voice of encouragement as God has carried me and continues to carry me through these things.

Did you know? I've struggled with thoughts of suicide. I've struggled with a raging problem with anxiety and depression and take something for this. I was ashamed to do this. It has helped me. I want to go off of it but I'm afraid to feel that way again. I fight everyday to believe that when tragedy comes upon me, I will be fine and strong and able to survive. I've been angry at God. I've wanted to leave Him behind. I've not understood Him. I've yelled at Him. I've had random questions go through my mind, like, "WHAT IF IM A LESBIAN!?!" (I can assure you, I am not.) I have struggled in my life with fears that I am bipolar, Schizophrenic, possessed even. I thought Id never marry. I just in the last few years have received the truth of the gospel even though I grew up in the church. I am insecure. I question myself constantly. I have coveted other peoples houses, lives, possessions, even husbands though I love my own life, my own husband. I have made vows that I will never be able to fully keep. I asked God once to make me perfect. it didn't work. I cry. I cry a lot. My car is messy constantly. I'm afraid of mice and I complain. I obsess sometimes about my husband or my mom dying and always fear I will not be able to handle it when it happens. I'm afraid I would not take the bullet if ever asked if I love Jesus or die. I hope I do. I've had panic attacks.  I have pride. I've wiped boogers on the underside of my car seat. I'm afraid that someday I'll be crazy. or that I am already.

come, sit on my couch. i'm very human.