dear reader....

you ask me, what if there is no other way? 

you ask me, what if you tried to open up and let God in, but there is no answer?


I would say, that there is no other way. It may sound cliche, but, God is the way, you are on the right track, if you want to be near him, he wants to be near you! He promises that!  I believe that God is probably trying to reveal himself to you, he generally is, but sometimes he waits, he tests, he watches us. he smiles. 

I would also say that I didn't really understand or hear what God was saying as I spoke to him and asked him so speak back until I started to understand his character. :this I found in the bible: I used to think that he was out to punish me, to look down on me critiquing my ability to perform well because of the way i had been raised to believe that he was an angry God, that he was constantly seeing if I was loving him well, or :glorifying: Him... and because I always saw myself as a failure, I assumed he looked at me the same way. 

It took praying for Him to reveal himself, and it took me asking God to show me the truth of Jesus that really began to change me, and it took my heart being open to truly believe that God was who he says he was. 

He gave me the grace to believe a few things, I took them in my mind as my only hope and I clung to them that way. I finally began to let myself believe that if I accepted Jesus as my Savior, then, that means that the sins that I have committed are now on Jesus' shoulders, I am forgiven from my past, present, my now...I am free of them, and that Jesus (God's son) paid the PUNISHMENT for them so I no longer have to carry them anymore. I didn't want to sin after that because I didn't want to hurt him, not because I wanted to save myself. you cannot save yourself. I want to love him because he first loved me.. and it is his kindness and his "steadfast love" that he promises me that drives me to want to live in such a way that would make him pleased with me. It is his kindness that leads me to repentance, or in other words, to change my ways. Not because I am in any way earning my salvation.

When I see God as if he is a kind Father, like he says he is, with steadfast (dutifully unwavering) love, when I understand that that is how he looks at me... like a Dad who stares down at his little child, how freeing it is. I started to even forgive myself and love myself the way that God loves me....and now, I can see his face, his love for me, and now his words are clearer... even his cautions and his disappointment. They no longer are scary, not they simply guide me, and train me to be a better daughter for him.  My friend, reader, I beg you to believe that God is who he says he is, a perfect Father, counselor, friend... and you will begin to hear his words. seek Him, to find Him with all of your heart, and you will... you will find him..