sweat trickles down my back but I have legs and it is sunny.

this morning I feel like a child that is just learning to open it's eyes.

I sit last night and Ally Su points out her mothers swollen feet as Marcy quickly tucks them under her and I wake this morning to Mom who climbs in next to me with prayers for and stories of Adam, earlier this week, the seizures, the ER, the chemotherapy meds, the cancer, the dog who notified the family as Adam shook in bed

I pave the roads with my feet and watch the farmer harvest next to where the horses graze and trample the earth

I pass Kathy's farm. she found heaven in death.

And I remember the bike ride, months ago, when God gently reminded me that there are fields and wildflowers and amongst them, poison ivy. but there are still fields and wildflowers.

the Surfer's legs can testify to the poison ivy, but he still remembers the hike,the way the skyline looked at the top, the backpack--he still remembers the campfire and conversation and the staring at the stars in the sand at night

Adam may not last to bring in the next year, but a Smith child will be born. it does not all make sense.

sweat trickles down my back but I have legs and it is sunny and there is queen ann's lace and I whisper, "Father" "abba" for Adam, for E who I stay up with late into the night, for the addresses I pass, for the clenched fists of my brother, and then

I ask God to calm me and immediately the wind picks up and runs its fingers through the branches of the trees (and I hear Him) and then

I feel again, like a child that is just learning to open it's eyes, and I must remind myself to. I thank God for the rows of corn with yellow hairy heads, the fresh tomatoes in the bowl next to me, the sound of the curling of the wrench in Jamin's hand, I write as I run, as my feet repave the broken cement, the wind chimes on the wrap around porch, the way the sun kisses the freshly mowed lawn,

the swollen feet of Marcy because of the womb that protrudes
and I reset my mind.

"I have come that you may have life, life to the fullest." - Jesus

Thank you Jesus, today, for:
1. running shoes.

2. sunshine.

3. shane and shane - "the riches of your love will always be enough, nothing compares to your embrace, light of the world forever reign.. my heart will sing, no other name, Jesus. Jesus..."

4. sleeping in.

5. first morning conversations with M Garter

6. realizing the distance so that you can draw near again.

7. Letters of reconciliation sent across states.