Dear E

what happened?
I remember the book that used to sit on your bookshelf,
and the way you talked about Him
the way you put your bed away for a year so that you could feel the wood under your back because you wanted to know how they felt, the poor, the poverished

you changed after the island.

I used to look up to you, even after the sledding incident when you made me cry and feel bad because I left you on the hill when we were young
I looked up to you because of the way your eyes looked when you talked about Him
and the way the words rolled off of your tongue so easily as if you didn't have to think about your words, they came so easily
like they were painted on the walls of your ribs
your organs, your breath

something happened after the island
you took that job and started to look different in your eyes
it had been awhile and so one night I came over
and by the end you could fit your key in the keyhole of your door
it just kept slipping
and I had to help you into bed and find my own way around

I was shocked.

you didn't talk about Him anymore and your eyes wouldn't focus easily, even when you weren't intoxicated
and you seemed nervous and yet passionate and it was a restless mix

we talked for hours over coffee at Marie's, and then again in the car
you had put ink in your thumb to remind you of eternal life but
you didn't talk about Him anymore
and your eyes didn't strike me like they used to.

I wonder if you still look at the Hebrew on your wrist. Beloved.

I miss you.

I hear about you from time to time
Mom says you held starving children and that is what changed it
but I know you still believe in Him
Randy says your heart is big

did you know your Mom cries for you?
weeps.
in front of people.

Because you have gone to save them and left God out of it
because you don't think He can care if he can leave them as they are

Did you know
He has climbed into your hands
at 7 He climbed in and whispered to you about a country
the children

did you know that you are Him to them,
you bear His name, E

He has not forgotten them after all.



come back. will you? I miss you.