i had a dream about you last week

you were sorry

you had come back, humble, without pride

crying

you were not as you were, not as i have seen you all of these years

despised, unforgiven, disappointing

no, you were new.

i wondered at this dream

i thought of the fear I had when they said you had gone missing and something about the FBI

i remember when you'd yell on the sidelines because you always wanted us to win

you would say, "shoot, pull the trigger."

i always wanted you to like me and I think that held me back from doing well

because I knew that i wasn't really that good and what you really needed was good 

soccer players on the field.

was I scared? all this time?

that it would happen to me just like you did

when you ran away from them

left them for her?

I am wondering why God is bringing this up now

you, standing in the opening by the door, crying

ready to stand before all of us

and you see me, knowingly, you remember me

and there is eye contact

and recognition

and

healing.

do you know? I dont think that I ever forgave you until now. but.

i forgive you.

and God knew all of this time that this would come out now, just as I asked him to repair that broken place in me. 

and I then to hear Him whisper that this is part of healing a fear of abandonment in me

because now, all of it was used for good

despite all those years I held it in, now I see part of the reason that I was like that

all this time

because if you, even you, who taught us who God was, even if it was in a scary way from the pulpit,

if you, esteemed man of God could do such a thing

then, what kind of harm would my husband cause...?

it has sat with me. and now it is like a lazy burden that has fallen to the ground because

suddenly

and I am happy to see you happy.

and smiling with someone that was not your first wife.

and her son.

I am glad. that you are glad.

and I do believe that you may be a David who was lost for awhile

who is a prodigal son come home

forgiven

accepted

loved.

I guess it's in the past now.

and I see you with new eyes.

and I'm smiling at whoever he will be.