i have experienced God for... years.

but, it hit me this last week - something I haven't really thought of much that perhaps
I have just become a Christian in this last year.

always, I have believed that I am
I remember struggling with it when I was young
am I?
am I not?
and then I'd try to perform like one
I started experiencing God at age about 18
really diving into His word
and learning His ways
and trying to follow Him
I was
religious, I think

but something went wrong about a 3 years ago
I fell into a really depressed state, which happens to people
even Christians
and it got worse and worse until I crashed
in May 2009.

and I was miserable for at least three months
doubting God
doubting myself
doubting doubting doubting

I didn't understand Jesus
my living as a Christian didn't have to do with Jesus
His blood
I didn't get it
and I kept asking Him to let me get it
because I had heard that you cannot come to the Father except
through Christ

I was miserably sitting in my sin
wondering how to get out
knowing I was dealing with self-righteousness
living under the law (list of rules instead of Grace)
I was hopeless
and then

Jesus became real.
I remember being in church and something started like swimming in my blood
some sort of life and I started to believe
in
Jesus

and not in myself.

and I experience peace now.
and the message of the gospel is getting inside of my bones
and everywhere I turn it is being spoken to me
and I think I said something about a womb a few weeks ago

but, I feel like I have come out of a womb
in a way
I feel like myself
I feel Jesus in me
I feel free

I am.

I am saved by the blood of God
and it is not by me or by any good deed I have done
but by the Lord Jesus and His blood shed on calvary

praises.