I feel like I am on a journey to let my Daddy go. 

to let my family go.

to let my boyfriend go.

my home go.

a new job. a new home. no boyfriend. no husband. no career. no real feeling of security.

plus, in these last two years I sort of let school go.

And then it was just me and God, and I had to start facing Him.

Believing Him.

Making complete peace, with... just Him.

Trusting Him, regardless of the anger, fear, confusion I felt for being so stinking alone

trusting Him in my circumstances

realizing, truly, seperate from all of it

it is really just Him and I. forever.

I am learning to receive Him, accept myself. And I think He is teaching me to walk on His pathways, not always sensible ones

but stable, peaceful ones

by streams of water

or through war zones

offering under my breath or outloud

the fears and failures that I have carried

so that he can take them from me

asking Him to keep me broken, humble, fearless, WITH THE MIND OF CHRIST

(I asked Him to relay the foundations of me...)

and full of JOY.

I truly cannot

fix myself

move myself

convince myself

change myself

or my family

i want to want and I WANT God

I want to know Him

that is where it begins.

I feel like I am just beginning.

again.

and so, here I am

content

happy

gaining more peace daily

cutting the Smith's hairs

coffee with Marcy in the mornings

cooking with Ally tomorrow night

beautiful

a simple

quiet

peaceful

season with God

with the Smiths

with my family 

with Brayden and Abby

today

(it has been a desert)

He is wooing me

remolding me

and I want to just be clay

and clay does not fear His molders gentle hands

or purposes.

I feel so quiet. and small.

I have never felt this way before

sitting under the apple trees for hours

and God resting His hand on me in the early morning

making rice with all my might

so out of bounds with the familiar, waiting on God to call up what will be.

I have been in control too long

trying to fix the family

make people happy

make myself more godly

or fit a mold

but I can't, you know?

I must just look at Him and seek after Him and let Him move me

and really, that is the only hope I can give other people

to look at Him and love Him and seek after Him and know Him and follow as he guides

I think that perhaps right now I feel really weak

because God is and is going to put Himself in me more

as he breaks me

because I barely know myself right now

but He will show me who He is

and then I will know better

who I am

I am wanting things I never knew I'd want or plan on or wait on

mostly I want peace and trust and unconditional love to be inside of me through knowing and becoming more like God

"show your ways, Oh Lord, teach me in your paths

guide me into your truth and teach me

For you are my God and my Savior

and my hope is in you all day long"

Psalm 25

"I will teach you and instruct you in the way you should go

I will counsel you with my eye upon you."

Psalm 32

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough worries of it's own"

Luke 12

i found myself praying thank you last night

sitting under the apple trees today with Ray, the bubblebeesbutts plugging their noses into little pink flowers that have just opened the chickens cackling and clinging with their claws onto the armrests of the wooden lounge chairs 

Jamin cooking in the kitchen fretting over his wine gravy and it's thickness thinking of Wisconsin

I have socks on in the outdoors, Karen and I looking over at the vole that I have just named sturdy coming out and going in, Ray feeding him a dripdrop of coffee that K just made on the french press, the bottom of my cup rich with brown sugar and coffee grounds

life is beautiful, sometimes more beautiful when there is pain and sadness

and leaving and trying to find home and finding it in more than one spot

seeing God everywhere you go

I am what I am

it is what it is

I cannot convince myself differently

I must enjoy myself

enjoy you

enjoy this

and breathe it in, I will, I will breathe in it

and get on my knees in the day and ask God for a big heart full of love for him or her or this

but I will be given what I will be given

and I must live out of that

and love out of that

and ask for more of it

if I want it

and love

oh, I must be in love

with it

like Char said once, I want to hate and love more fiercely - to love all man - but to hate and love things so that I can see myself more clearly

today I hated boxes, and folding clothes into them, red sharpies with big words put on the front of them, yuck, I hated hated hated that

today I loved Jenn pulling in to Meijer with her minivan, waving, and Tony in the stairwell, my little family that will continue to be family for all of eternity even if I am misplaced for a few months - they send me with blessing and prayer, the way it should be done.

today I loved Marcy and her kind voice and her welcome and her family and the promise of a small room and peace and loud floors and love- all of which I cannot wait for, and Lindsey sitting on her front porch with me as I cried, and B.A. moving the hated boxes for me into the car while I cried, both of them understanding why and talking about Fridays

today I love home, home in so many people and not as much the place

and watching my brothers outside school max on what goes on under the hood of my car and how it all works, they were taking breaks with their backs against the bark of the tree eating McDonald's for lunch

and I loved the cabbage and shared blackbeans and rice with my redhaired roomate, whom I will miss dearly, Charla Hope... (though that is not her middle name)

mmmm, God, I love your fragrance in these people, in my home

and I am excited that this is a taste of my everlasting home

and that I can see you clearly in them

God, I loved waking feeling your hand overtop of me

somehow all that fear and worry had slumped away as you helped me resist it

and there will be more of your hand

and your eye on me

and your counsel

"he strengthens my heart" - Ps 27