wasting time

its freezing outside tonight and B is locked up with love laughing in her room at her phone-mate while my candle is sputtering and he is coming in from the balcony and going out saying things that make him cry that make me want to heart him more hanging my picture with a nail for me letting him walk away because that is how it has to be and I know in my heart it is right and that God has to sync our hearts with His and then align ours [Lord willing] and that is plenty for me to live in and focus on and I am fostering a heart that spends hours with Him (Jesus) napping on the couch (i've long thought such things were a waste of time, but I'd like to be the kind if wife and mother that lays with her child for hours and eats with time to spare for conversation and where dishwashing was another part of the adventure of life together) back to what I was saying... spending hours with Jesus reading and talking about courtship with Him or eating too much popcorn with Brooke and taking baths and long hours of prayer and resting and quiet and not getting too caught up in the lack of conversation with a human or the stillness of the room when it's just thick with God's presence and I blabbing on like a little daughter would about her day and her frustrations and her hopes and her gratitude I must teach myself to "waste time" even when it is so full and not a waste at all because I have had a spirit of achievement lying on me for too long and God is busting it off of me and asking me to waste time with Him and with people and to think the most ordinary things as an INCREDIBLE time and to think about how lovely the day is and every situation is and cleaning out the toilet is because if I am ever going to love children or love a husband well I must be content to do small things (which are probably really the big things) with great satisfaction and do things like "waste" time jumping from couch to couch to catch a Bea while keeping away from the alligators that would surely bight at our ankles if we set them on the floor for an instant

I am God's sweet girl, beautiful. a treasure.

and He wants this for me.

Wait on the Lord

be strong and take heart

and wait on the Lord

Ps 24

Wait on the Lord: to pause for further instructions.

God laughs too.

those people of mine

I want to remember this moment. 

the fire burning inside of me that is unable to escape and will stay for the rest of my days.

the fire next to me, burning the rose of my cheeks.

being in love.

Danny scraping off my car this morning

and I love to hold him, not necessarily his body but, hold him in my heart

and I love wanting him there.

unsure and yet sure of the future

I smile at the future

not because something has incredibly shifted in me to show me that the future is set up or stable

but because I have no idea about the future

but something has incredibly shifted in me

and that is that I have GOD to stand on

and HE allows me to smile

with sureness about the future.

I see God in Daniel.

I love him without fear.

I love him

I love him 

I love Him.

I smile at Brooke.

there is peace in the upstairs

an aroma of love and gentleness

I know I can invade her space and it will not be invading

but welcoming

we belong together

not just for now

but even in a year from now when she lives in Madison (hmm)

and in a thousand years when we are singing together in heaven

I like to think about that.

and I love Brooke.

I see God in her.

I smile at Micheal 

who I am sure, is singing somewhere

even though I am not sure he is singing

I am sure.

His heart is singing. I smile at his smiling

which is insistent and consistent.

I see God in Him.

I smile at Tony and Jenn

who have a quiet powerful life

feet stuck, literally STUCK in JESUS CHrist

their roots go deep

and it breathes life onto those of us who sit under their branches

and I watch the way Tony strokes Lily's head and

I can almost imagine God stroking my head like that

because the most beautiful Father-ness in the world

does not even compare to the love of my FATHER

who is laughing and smiling and approving of me in heaven

REJOICING Jumping out of his skin about me in heaven

telling me I do not have to be perfect

but if I love His law

he will lead me

into

peace.

I smile at Jenn

who is direct and lovely and kind and fierce

and bold

and unafraid to make mistakes and talk about them

and also of her redemption in the same breath

God has made her a flame

literally

a flame in this neighborhood

everyone knows Jenn

even drunk homeless searching Dave L

people can be scared of the truth from her lips

or receive it

it is hard and healing and nuturing and lovely

and I see God in her.

Feb 1. 2009.

my sunset: This is how I kiss you.

[open my eyes to miracles and blessings]

another country is in my front yard

laughing at each other with beers in their hands

they look funny in the snow.

it reminds me of waking to children

laughing in Bangla across the yard

or dressing in the cages of their windows

after the muslims have worshipped their god

on loud speaker [I will not say him name]

i have been thinking of orphans

not the kind you cannot converse with

but the ones who cannot speak

with clenched little fists

and cheeks softer than a bruised apple

the tiny ones who will never remember my face

but may sometimes listen to my voice

singing in a memory and wonder at the language

or at the light, the cloud of warmth that they cannot seem to shake

ps. I am in love with this guy.