wasting time

its freezing outside tonight and B is locked up with love laughing in her room at her phone-mate while my candle is sputtering and he is coming in from the balcony and going out saying things that make him cry that make me want to heart him more hanging my picture with a nail for me letting him walk away because that is how it has to be and I know in my heart it is right and that God has to sync our hearts with His and then align ours [Lord willing] and that is plenty for me to live in and focus on and I am fostering a heart that spends hours with Him (Jesus) napping on the couch (i've long thought such things were a waste of time, but I'd like to be the kind if wife and mother that lays with her child for hours and eats with time to spare for conversation and where dishwashing was another part of the adventure of life together) back to what I was saying... spending hours with Jesus reading and talking about courtship with Him or eating too much popcorn with Brooke and taking baths and long hours of prayer and resting and quiet and not getting too caught up in the lack of conversation with a human or the stillness of the room when it's just thick with God's presence and I blabbing on like a little daughter would about her day and her frustrations and her hopes and her gratitude I must teach myself to "waste time" even when it is so full and not a waste at all because I have had a spirit of achievement lying on me for too long and God is busting it off of me and asking me to waste time with Him and with people and to think the most ordinary things as an INCREDIBLE time and to think about how lovely the day is and every situation is and cleaning out the toilet is because if I am ever going to love children or love a husband well I must be content to do small things (which are probably really the big things) with great satisfaction and do things like "waste" time jumping from couch to couch to catch a Bea while keeping away from the alligators that would surely bight at our ankles if we set them on the floor for an instant

I am God's sweet girl, beautiful. a treasure.

and He wants this for me.

Wait on the Lord

be strong and take heart

and wait on the Lord

Ps 24

Wait on the Lord: to pause for further instructions.