...

keep me as the apple of thy eye

hide me in the shadow of thy wings

it is for freedom that you were freed

stand firm therefore

do not give in again to the yoke of slavery

You will make known to me the path of life

in thy presence is the fullness of joy

in thy right hand are pleasures forever

your sin is put away

you have brought me into a broad place

you rescue me because you delight in me!

Jules

there is something wonderful about getting your hands into someones hair.

I dunno what it is, but I love it.

especially today

when Jules stopped by for a the love feast

and a haircut

and then some hairspray

after a french braid

she put some makeup on her face before dinner

and told me that she's getting better, she hopes to be better soon

and she has gotten better

I remember her hobbling down the alley last year

barely able to breathe

hunchback

clutching somebodies arm because her legs barely worked

without the support

(such a picture of the way we really are

I have discovered

it is harder to breathe without someone

or people beside me

helping my legs have hope and my lungs have air

to keep going)

and today she arrived on her own

thinning hair

beautiful face

she still has hope.

(and there is a reason)

ps. DanMike and I are dating again. lol, don't tell him I told you.

hi.

this morning I was able to wake up, go to prayer on time 

enjoy breakfast with my second family and actually participate in the creation of it

because I am starting to believe that God does not want us to be a frantic rushed people with plenty to do but to be fishers of men

and my second family are the first people I see every morning and

I want to learn to love them well

and also love the gifts God has given my hands to do

sometimes that calls for drastic measures  ( when there is a distraction)

and for me, a drastic measure was pushing the "drop" button on a class 

I was currently enrolled in

something I have never had the power to do before... 

and though, to the world, that may seem like a stretch to say that

God would ever call me or ask me to do that but

I'm feeling the burden lift already

and isn't that what Jesus calls us to feel like?

I had been living in such a way that school and getting a degree was my identity

I was not going to learn or to become wiser, but to get to the goal and have a little piece of paper to put in a box in my basement later, or under a box in my cartrunk (B :))

I've decided there is more to life

and that I still do want to learn

but I also want to not just be a student 

but be a student of men 

so next semester I am going to learn to knit, I am going to take pottery and watercolor

and I am going to love my family and my neighbors better than I ever have

and try to surrender everything to God and trust that He doesn't say he will provide for the righteous only if they get a degree, but believe his words because he says he will not with hold any good thing from the righteous and I am one of the righteous! praises!

I am going to paint in the garage and sit and drink coffee and eat eggs with you

and let passages like the end of Matthew 16 change me.

there has been a block for me in learning for the past three years and I have full confidence that this is the beginning of it being busted down

I can feel the creativity coming back already...

what do flowers even smell like

been feeling a little drowned lately

I hate spanish

I hate grand Valley

and then the other day I was listening to myself

ew, gross.

I felt this recognition of a complaining spirit in me

a selfishness that tends to come over when I am bogged down by things

I've been trying to understand how one abides in Christ

because I want that so bad

to be in His presence 

TO ENJOY HIM

and those time in my life when I can feel Him 

walk with him, sleep with Him, sit with Him,

that is Shalom in the chaos of the world

that is when I plant my garden best

but it never seems to last, 

that joy never seems to last

worry, doubt, sin, crowds in...

I was telling Jamin yesterday as we drove through the dark night to a wedding

I wish it were as easy as just saying

I don't have to deal with it, God will take care of it

and he responded

actually, it is that easy.

I laugh at myself, now,

crowded and burdened with little things that I should be learning to take rest in

joy in

sometimes I can just feel it in my spirit when I talk to people, like this morning

dang, the last time I talked to this person I felt burdened, now I should probably act fine so that they don't think that I am burdensome

but I have to be honest, I feel like I have had a heavy weight on me lately

and I want to be free of it

I want to know what to do with that situation

and I want to know if it's okay for me to stop going to school to get a degree and start going to learn and enjoy life and God and people

and I want to know

I want to know

I want to know God

in a way that there are no burdens or worries

because he took them off of me

and so I am going to say right now

that I will not worry about the bill that came in the mail for 500 dollars that I was not expecting 

and I am not going to worry about hurting people or not guarding my heart or not letting go, 

but I am going to ask God and wait for him to show me

and I am not going to worry about tonight and what people will think

and I am going to be strong despite the fact that sometimes I feel so so weak, I am going to let God's strength bust through me,

and I am not going to worry about tomorrow for today has enough things to worry about.

there are always going to be unanswered questions

and they get answered as we WAIT on the Lord

and walk in peace

and trust in Him

and exchange our strength for His strength

and if I am living with His strength and not mine

I'll be able to enjoy Him, enjoy people

and smell the flowers

(maybe not even miss fall this year)

recently I was asked to revisit some blogs that I wrote about 2-3 years ago 

they reminded me what God has been teaching me

to come back

He is my first love

and the one I should have zeal for

this is what I wrote

"until we allow God to fill us,

we are merely walking dresses and dress suits

bandaids don't heal hearts but let them try

and I know children who have died because they dont have hepititus shots and arms to wrap around them or someone to blow on their cold hands or hands to zip the backs of their torn dresses and

people send pencils

and even those who know what would heal send the wrong solutions

(bandaids and pencils are inexpensive and easy and count as planting seeds)

and excuse me but I'm angry about it

mad that I find it easier to sit in warm rooms and talk about poverty over expensive wine as crippled minds walk the streets searching for truth or milk to feed their babies

easier to do that than sit with the homeless man on michigan street who thinks he's a famous drummer named Wow. Easier to watch the man sitting talking to the chair beside him than to be that chair for him. easier to complain about school to the girl next to me on the bus than tell her about my first love, Jesus.

Easier to pretend people aren't broken and to fake insecurity than be confident and royalty and the child of a King

Strange

we're called to sit with broken people and pick up the pieces and I think its more beautiful to sit in a dark room in sweatpants with my brother and intercede for broken people and have community with people who live on rice and indian chai in cold rooms filling their yard with tents laughing, worship music blasting from the kitchen and doorknobs that don't understand locks or house keys - I think it's beautiful to spend your evenings prayer walking and streaking God's light into the dark alleys and streets of our neighbor hoods when I could be at the bar, or huddled in my room, or drowning out reality with noise

the past generations, they wanted to

CHANGE THE WORLD

this generation wants to put their hands deep in their pockets (so others won't see their fists full of cash) to provide for retirement. They feel more secure like that somehow, the whole while crying.

And it's my fault their crying because my mouth is still sealed and I am still silent. 

It's easier to convince myself that they are happy so that I can stay put.

and as I typed this, aborted babies died,

homeless people are still hungry

HIV filled bodies in Africa and India breathed their last

in shacks they call homes

and I'll probably get told this blog is too serious

and more than likely

I'll apologize for it."

Nov 12. 2006