what do flowers even smell like

been feeling a little drowned lately

I hate spanish

I hate grand Valley

and then the other day I was listening to myself

ew, gross.

I felt this recognition of a complaining spirit in me

a selfishness that tends to come over when I am bogged down by things

I've been trying to understand how one abides in Christ

because I want that so bad

to be in His presence 

TO ENJOY HIM

and those time in my life when I can feel Him 

walk with him, sleep with Him, sit with Him,

that is Shalom in the chaos of the world

that is when I plant my garden best

but it never seems to last, 

that joy never seems to last

worry, doubt, sin, crowds in...

I was telling Jamin yesterday as we drove through the dark night to a wedding

I wish it were as easy as just saying

I don't have to deal with it, God will take care of it

and he responded

actually, it is that easy.

I laugh at myself, now,

crowded and burdened with little things that I should be learning to take rest in

joy in

sometimes I can just feel it in my spirit when I talk to people, like this morning

dang, the last time I talked to this person I felt burdened, now I should probably act fine so that they don't think that I am burdensome

but I have to be honest, I feel like I have had a heavy weight on me lately

and I want to be free of it

I want to know what to do with that situation

and I want to know if it's okay for me to stop going to school to get a degree and start going to learn and enjoy life and God and people

and I want to know

I want to know

I want to know God

in a way that there are no burdens or worries

because he took them off of me

and so I am going to say right now

that I will not worry about the bill that came in the mail for 500 dollars that I was not expecting 

and I am not going to worry about hurting people or not guarding my heart or not letting go, 

but I am going to ask God and wait for him to show me

and I am not going to worry about tonight and what people will think

and I am going to be strong despite the fact that sometimes I feel so so weak, I am going to let God's strength bust through me,

and I am not going to worry about tomorrow for today has enough things to worry about.

there are always going to be unanswered questions

and they get answered as we WAIT on the Lord

and walk in peace

and trust in Him

and exchange our strength for His strength

and if I am living with His strength and not mine

I'll be able to enjoy Him, enjoy people

and smell the flowers

(maybe not even miss fall this year)