learning to trust God has looked a little different for me than I had assumed. i went to Detroit this weekend with a car that had terrible tires and broken windshield wipers, and i being the not-car expert had to trust someone else to take care of everything.

i feel like perhaps i have sort of tried to take control of my life for the past three years and been a little frantic at the thought of someone else helping me. including God. 

Which needs to change now.

i feel like i have been discontent. complicated. annoyed. because every little aspect of my life i felt was up to me to control.

it's felt nice spending long mornings with Jesus and giving him my frustrations.

it's felt nice learning that when I ask for prayer and assign the name of Jesus to every spot of me, and when I get in a small space with Tammy and have her pray for me, real things happen. And that is trust. 

it's felt nice being honest about my heart with Brooke and watching a friendship unfold with the beautiful woman who is now glowing in the far room upstairs. it's felt nice to see that I need to learn and grow and that I can become that woman of God that Daniel always calls me, right here, incubated right here. 

and anywhere God puts me.

it's felt nice hearing Him talk to me through Jordan B about God being ahead of me. it's not me waiting for God to catch up. trust is Jesus being way ahead of me on the road calling my name closer to Him. I haven't seen it like that.

i've felt panic that i'd get it wrong. make the wrong choice.

i'm sorry.

Sarah Jayne has been my roommate for the past months, and what a beauty it was to have her here. I feel like she has shown me her trust in God by her constant tears and laughter and unending process of trying to get Him and follow Him and hear Him. It frustrated me and blessed me and pushed me because I wanted to get it, and she helped me get it, and then as she moved out and I had this big empty space to myself to hear Him speak, I started getting it. (thank you Sarah.)

it has been hard, sitting in one spot. I am so used to moving compulsively or taking the first thing thats shot at me in a frantic desire to get it, to understand, to grow. But I am not going to do much moving. In fact the life that is present for me in the next year is pretty much wrapped up in the same beauty of what I have been doing, only in smaller or bigger doses - as God has shown me how to walk in each of them. i am not moving because I am waiting for God to show me, to move me. my work is not done here yet. and instead of my body moving, He's been moving my heart.

whispering that He'll take care of it if something needs to change.

woke up one morning staring at a poster that i've had on my wall for years. (see above picture)

i always just liked it.

but on this morning it meant something more to me - because all of a sudden God showed me that i was the baby in the man's arms. and that i needed to look up at Him and breathe a sigh of relief because

He's got it under control. really.

(and in this I rest.)