finally

went to this wedding recently

and it was beautiful

so beautiful

because of how crazy out loud in love Leslie was for Josh

and Josh was for Leslie

 it returned me to something God had laid on my heart recently

that I don't want to EVER EVER EVER just be married

I. want. to. be. in. love.

you should never really do anything half-heartedly.

Mary wholeheartedly spilled a months wages willingly at Jesus' feet.

Noah wholeheartedly built an ark for a year because he was told too, because of his love for God.

Jesus wholeheartedly wants me in heaven with Him because of His death on the cross.

I don't want to just be married to Jesus.

I don't want to just say my vows.

I want to be in love with Him.

Head over heels.

Face down

hands up

in the kitchen in the bathroom

with or without company

I want to be all His

and I could say this a million times and not change my lifestyle and it would mean nothing

I want to open my heart to a newness of mind

a newness of life

so that I can be crazy about my Jesus. 

I sort of got away from it for awhile

it's interesting living in community because being in the presence of people that love and have Jesus in them can sometimes substitute easily for being with Jesus

it fills you

and praying at 6 am and at 8 pm can at times fill that space of desperation to sit with Him alone

but I don't just want to love my husband when I have to put the kids to bed

or when I am making dinner

or while I am washing dishes

or singing in the car

I want to love my Husband by being a lone with Him, looking in His eyes

studying Him

I want to be crazy about Jesus in the way that Leslie is for Josh

Head. Over. Heels.

Desperate to show him.

perhaps this is training ground for being a wife

for loving my neighbors

not perhaps, I know it is

it translates over

the way I love Jesus, and the sincerety and full-forth swing I give it

resonates with the way I keep my room

or clean my car

or love my roommate

Everything that I do screams how much I love Jesus

so when it snows

if I don't have time to stand under it

to smile at Jesus through it

to play in it

then how can I say I have time to love Christ?

I don't want to just live

I want to love life

[and I am finally feeling my heart laugh again]