now

the revolution sign is

hanging by one pin tonight

isn't that how it feels sometimes

but it's still readable

we are still marching on

.

i liked his hand because mine looked so small inside

and today God show him that success is your great love for him

and sitting in your blessed presence like he will for eternity

is enough

success is your love and that's it

his hand looks small in yours, that's what this childlike faith

is all about

he is marching on

.

the first time I met Marie I had to feed her because

she was shaking so bad 

the spoon wouldn't sit still long enough

to get to her mouth

she came back a few times 

for a shower

walked away with Brooke's clothes on

refused ER visits though she couldn't see straight

because of the cocaine the alcohol

her demons

that was three weeks ago

tonight she announced that God is asking her now

to give up cigarettes

she is a flower, bouncing around, cooking

meeting with God at noon, her hands raised, prayers murmured

I watch

miracles do happen

she is marching on

.

Sarah asked us to sit on the ground

legs crossed like indians

we grabbed hands and started praying for the person on our right

Roger, the warrior

Jen, the fierce sweetness

Dave, the king

Sarah, the watered

Michelle, the fullness

Brad, the tower

Frank, the changed

Steve, the honest

Marv, the healed

Don, the mover

April, the new

we are marching ahead

.

that's all I've got

to

say

about

that

2. 

This morning Marie

bandaged my knee, she turning into the Mom around here

2 weeks can really mess up a persons life

God tends to do this in a very organized way

ps.

This morning God beckons me into my internship which I feel like I could jump out of my skin about. Over the last 3 years he has really put in my heart this desire to be with youth and help the youth. This morning, after my run with Sarah, God sent us two girls - Antionette and Amber: 17 and 18 years old, moving in tonight. They've been wandering the streets, sleeping in snow, prostitute homes, shelters for three years, finally, after 1/2 hour of being here they feel they are home, finally home. God laid it on my heart that we are going to be mothers now, in an intimate, mom's of teens way--also a baby on the way. 

God? You are good. You will provide. I am going to put on a George Muller suit and walk around in it. Provide for the Boiler room. Provide us with food and money to help support these women. I do not fear because I am not alone. You are good. You are good. 

dizzy

something beautiful about
greasy hair and
your voice well used from singing to the Lord
Once soundtrack playin in the background
rest

truly a desire in the heart to seek after the LORD with everything in your being
and letting go and letting go and letting go and having to let go again of the things you have used so long to fill up and be security to you and allow them to be instead of trying to obtain them for yourself

its beautiful to let go and watch things come, from God and no yourself

its honest

its beautiful watching the young women you have invested in and should be praying for more turn into lovely women of God and dream of the mission field
to know
when you met them they didn't have that passion
to watch that break forth within
emma's hands on the piano
rebekah leaning on Jill
Jill and I on the veranda
DanMike at 2 am praising the Lord in the garage
Janessa and Shaina washing the dishes
Dave cooking pancakes
Don and Steve doing Crossword puzzles next to them
Tom and Jerry in the corner
Sarah waking up to the guitar
Chip and Brooke on their way home

Time with the community that belongs to the kingdom
that I'll get to share a little time with later on (eternity sounds good)

Jen inviting Janessa to my bunkbed for (the month of June?)

its beautiful the way it works out
the way God moves his hands around and watches it all
come about
the way
He planned

Ps. L, E, Em, J, Ja

Grace

his addiction took him out for a sip last night
he's been gone since
only his skin sitting on our front porch or in the green lifeless chair next to the outdoor stove

Jen and Marv are agreeing he shouldn't be around much anymore
it's hard enough for the ones who have filled their skin to fight
without the breath of
joe
jeff
debajean
hanging around
reminding them who they were

Glory
fall down
break and broken to the ground
cast your life
upon our doubt
he will arise
he will arise
when he breaths into us
Charla sings out of my black box
will you
will you breath on

Dont get us wrong, we'll be standing on the front porch, arms wide open
we believe in healing
but if you don't want healing
we aren't willing
to feed the infection in your soul
Jesus was laying hands on people who wanted to be healed
do you want it
do you really want to be healed

all it takes is the corner of his cloak and his power can be released inside of you
but it can't just rub off on your skin from mine
I cannot cram a flame into your soul

you must
ask
seek
knock

Jesus breathe into them
so our alley can stop being an exchange zone for cocaine
or where the homeless sleep on piles of trash
and wake up the house at 2am for a sandwich
which we are willing to give

breathe on them so our alley where the
latin kings staining the garage
start graffiting the walls
with words of hope
instead of holding knives at the throats of 8 of their brothers

breathe on them
so loitering at the family pantry for a coin or two
can turn into evangelism

this roof of alcoholism can turn into a shelter of truth
extend your tent God
enlarge your boundaries

we are signed up, an army for

this neighborhood,
that I have decided I am willing to stick around for life
if that is my calling
to watch it bloom

I'm willing to be the oil
and stand on the porch
arms open wide

for those coming to be healed

ps. praise God for answered prayer, two guitars offered to us for borrowing. woohoo. God is good.

pray for the rock that used to sing love songs to the King

.

watchin him on the front porch, head bowed like it would be if he were praying
but he isn't
hes wearing that sweater
shame

says he wishes he could join me for church but the truth is
he's dirty, he hasn't showered

and I tell him, Joe, it doesn't matter, they won't care
but he cant bring himself to come
he's dirty
he hasn't showered

.

truthfully?
thats what it is
thats the problem
that is what it's always been with him

hes dirty
he cant come
he hasnt showered

and that is why
he hasn't changed

he doesn't understand Grace
I wish his pride could get bolted to the ground for a second
so someone could explain it so he can hear it

(dust off his eardrums God)

.

Saturday
sitting on the piano bench
drunk

i tried to talk to him
and i heard from his mouth the same thing i had heard in prayer about him
he still identifies with them
still

i'm a streetpeople
he said

.

thats how it is with us too
thats why its hard i believe to change because we're scared to change the identity
that for so long has been our skin

like C.S. Lewis' dragon, spending hours by the pond clawing at the skin he's in
just to find he is still a dragon

and not until he asked Jesus to remove it
did it break free

.

Joe?
you are still a street people
until you decide not to be

we are still what we are
until our hearts
long
to look like Christ
until we let his water cleanse us, life-long water
we're dirty
we haven't showered
we cannot come

2. DanMike walked me to the curb strumming his guitar garbed in bandana, the sun shining, three drunk friends sitting on the front porch because there is hope here (asking me to smile because I always smile) Maria hiding away in the corner room so she doesnt have to remember herself Brooke packing for SALTS sarah studying Hebrew in the prayer room Jen with her arms crossed in the yard on her new rocks Don peeking around the corner asking me about Wednesdays haircut Steve and Marv moving gravel and I know I am missing someone but we are all set in a time that is purposeful each word splintering gracefully all moving toward Gods purpose everyday i'm that this is all on purpose and that if the sun sings pretty loud all the time without our notice maybe i do too and you do too and he does too without our notice sometimes God can talk pretty loud through us when we dont really even know it because we are on purpose too

with everything

I would really like to feel that it was the Holy Spirit that did it and in no way myself

2.
gorgeous
this day

Sarah strumming on the roof
we are sure God will bring her a guitar soon (we've been praying)
talking over salad about things falling into place (even the small things)
(Marcy and I said the same things this morning over chai, the waiting is the beautiful part where you just get to work and move where you are and let God move you to the next spot, the waiting is that contentment "piece" as Tony puts it)

that is God's way
we are not supposed to shove the pieces together or
try to fit them where they don't belong
God's pretty good at putting things together without our help
we're helpless, we should remember

and when it's Him that is moving
the answers always clear


because my God is not a God of confusion.

3.

This week I learned that I am not always good at loving people
and when I am it is not my strength shining through

(let your light shine through this bro k en vessel)

I used to think I would sit before an angry God when I was bad at things
always felt like I should be up to standard
and if I don't meet people's standards
how can I meet God's?

But, really, that is what Grace is, I will never meet STANDARD
I am always going to be in PROCESS
always going to be WEAK
always going to be a SINNER
REDEEMED BY THE LORD, FREE FROM FEAR
because fear involved punishment, and there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus and I am in Christ Jesus so I am free from fear

how beautiful it is

HE loves me. He loves me! not just a lil bit a lotta bit

He revealed to me that this is a process... there is progress and that I dont have to be good at everything, I just have to be moving forward with his strength, changing everyday (the Holy spirit, sanctifying me, everyday) looking a little bit more like Christ everyday

HE promises that he will PERFECT, STRENGTHEN, CONFIRM AND ESTABLISH me (1 pt 5)

he loves me in my weak state
that needy state

and no matter how good I get at loving others
I always need to be weak and know it is not me not me not me nothing is every just me
but God in me, doing the work, making the beauty

and when people see that beauty all I have to do is point upward
because God, he's really glorious
and I see that
in
Sarah
on the roof singing him love songs
and Brooke lovin on Marie

and I say,
God is really glorious, isn't He?

Joe

is it a decision that comes upon one quickly

or one that was perfectly planned

waited out

pursued

dave was cooking dinner, pancakes flopping

with Marie

smiling, eyes watering when it was her turn at the table

and as soon as we were casually strolling to the garage

to eat around the table

he was gone.

In fact I watched him go and felt this wierd twinge this time 

about this cigarette break

I was getting another pancake and I watched the door close behind him

would it have changed anything if I had asked him 

why a cigarette break now?

2. 

Maris is quiet on the couch

like a rock

blinking hurredly, assuring me that she's okay

pray strength into her because I dont know the first thing

about fighting addiciton

I loved this too much to not share it

"yesterday i found a guitar pick in my left shoe
while i was at work and i felt something under my toes
so i pulled it out to see and a smile spread across my face
because this means i live with musicians"
B's blog (my roomie- an exceptional writer, photographer, friend)

perfect casts


______________________________________________________________________________out

fear.

today

1. Emma came down last night

her eyes, Emily's eyes, bright 

Meghan will be around more too, I can tell

crammed into the garage with us, praising the King

(this summer the entire neighborhood will hear)

the rain on the roof

the spirit alive

Emma's got something comin to her, a little unusual of a

beautiful life

something wrappin her hair up to keep the sweat back

on the plains of Africa,

child at hip

2.

talking under the projector

he's eating salad and proclaiming God's fullness

inside

x-men? 

today, Im beginning to understand the way of them

the sharing of cigarettes

they fight for each others boundaries and sip from each others drinks

Michelle explained the knives yesterday and the pushing to keep him off Marv

You'd understand if you were with me, the story was muddled and drunk but a real story of a hard life

they have to share to stay alive, to make it

I'm beginning to understand the way of them

and why its so hard to walk away

from fear, addiction, people that get it

Mario's commenting on her necklace, she is showing him on the porch

playing cards on the tall tables

he is singin The Animals and Amazing Grace in the living room

because this place is filled with God, that's why we're here

don in the next room, fiddling with crossword puzzles and remotes

Chip writing love songs to God on the living room floor, the first time I have ever seen him cross-legged

God

God?

what do you want to do with me here?

I'm excited and ready and a little scared and thrilled

God?

everyday, let me feel your shoulder under my chin.

you in my voice and

in my paintbrush

my camera

my eyes

give me your heart 

mostly

just give me a heart that is like yours

emit light out of that n

(and out of Emma)

P.S. Marie is now staying with us, giving up cocaine so that she can be a mother fit for her 5 year old child who lives in Muskegon, keeping herself busy cooking scrambled eggs and playing solitaire. Last night God was dealing with her, she was sitting at the foot of the cross weeping. Pray that it will be easier to get off the addiction than expected. and mostly that she finds Christ as her security and nothing else.

Also, pray Michelle comes back at 5 like promised. Coffee with be on for her then.

Michelle (not the roomie)

showed up this morning

Cas in the kitchen creating Indian food

curry in the air

Cinnamon coffee brewing

Michelle showed up bloody, 

Marie had put her boot in her face while she napped

Michelle clung to the doorway

ashamed of the way she looked

asking for Chip

crying, miserable, rainy

2.

ten minutes later I find myself in my apartment

she adorning my orange couch

pouring her coffee, cream, sugar,

ice packs for her swelling eye

cloth for the blood

the cussing soon disappeared and she spoke of change and hope again

life change

coming back tomorrow to sober up and start over

(this is what I want life to be about

freeing people from addiction through the blood of the lamb

speaking hope over them

anointing them with the oil of gladness

even if it is just cream and coffee

I want to serve with everything I own

and I want Michelle's eyes to slowly become clear

as the spirit cleans out the darkness that has so long resided inside of her

God is a God of amazing things

and He's been working on Michelle  (all in His time)

she will be here eventually, like she says

and I'd rather it be tomorrow

than later

3.

Pray that she means it.

4. sitting on the couch with DanMike

worshipping

4 of our guys walked through the door

don, joe, dave, roger

each of them broken people, like me, like you

I saw the kingdom of the Almighty God walk through that door

soon

cloaked in glory

(I'm learning his voice.)

I wore

this sweater for a long time
I had made it myself, it was tight and constricting and had large holes in it.

smelled.

but sometimes, sometimes when I was around people who had similar sweaters on, I felt beautiful
really
really
beautiful
and unique, no matter how much I looked like everyone else

I got looked at then, surveyed by their heavy sly eyes
and eventually I built myself this little belief that this sweater is what beautiful is all about
and I wore it every single dang day
to cover up what was underneath

but everyone knew, especially the people who applauded me,
they knew because they knew themselves
that I was trying to cover up what was so deeply rooted
underneath


2.
it was not until I removed the outter clothing that they turn on you
that old man struggling to keep his hands around your mouth and your heart as you go
straining to speak truth

it was not until he was removed (other people helped with prayer, those angels came around more often with their bright swords and truth slowly beat that man down and Jesus just smiled and fought and came on healing wings of the wind and said things like open your mouth wide and i will fill it)

until I was completely obvious
exposed
to everyone

until then I was not myself

and when I saw myself, that great mirror that glared at me for so long started to smile though the picture inside seemed not as beautiful without being all dolled up and masked like it used to be (it took me years to find out what beauty really was, and the right people see it now)

when I saw myself--my real self, I was able to become new and beautiful and brilliant before the Lord
my eyes looked really clear like peoples do when burdens are lifted and problems become Gods and not theirs and they are just looking and God ("his face was like the face of an angel. - Acts 7?)

exposed and beautiful is what I call it

and that is what I must be: everyday
transparent
weak
unable
sinner

it is not until we see ourselves like this, trembling knees before the King
that we really see
that what we have to offer
is really His
and our beautiful
comes not from
what we wear
put on
paint on or
how well we are at doing what we do or
how successful we are to the next guy

but how loved we are
cared for

becoming a LOVER of God and people is really our highest calling
throw success out the window
God owns a thousand cattle on a thousand hills and he'll sell a couple to keep us cared for

a life of being a
small small small
people covered in the blood of the lamb
with a high calling of lighting up the world
for Christ

for Christ
for Christ
for Christ

anything not rooted in that should be taken off because really no matter how successful those things have made us, they're just old shirts


[we should want exposure]
until then

we

are

not

free.


--it was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.-- Gal 5:1
--Take my yoke upon you and learn from me (all you who are weary and heavy laden, I will give you rest), I am gentle and humble at heart, you WILL find rest for your souls.-- Matt 11:28-29

[col 3 explains that old man]

what is it that I really want?

my heart has been heavy lately

desirous of truth, and what God really is all about and this great serious mission he has put in my heart

I have discovered my incomparable value and yours
ours
that every second of everyday is important and serious

no more games, really
because I am a daughter of the Most High King
robed in glory
walker of the earth
foreigner here

and every step I take, every word I speak, every room I enter
I am of inexpressible value
I hold the fullness of the Most High God
inside of my body
my spirit moving me like the wind moves
I don't really understand and I am sick of trying and so
I let it take me

the spirit endorsing those great places of peace
even if that means a little shack in the country of Mali or
the back alley
or the feast at the wealthy man's table
or the Tendero's table
it is truly all the same because no matter where I am
I must simply walk in the truth of the great love that has been placed in me
the love that
God shares with me through whispers
this mystery of light that is pouring out of our pores

let it shine
let it shine
before men
that they may see
that God is God

at least say that there is a God because most people don't know
and want to know
and even though I know
I want to know
I want you to say it to me
I want you to tell me how true it is
that's what the foreigners do, you know
they speak the truth in love to one another
until the message is clear and the light is brighter and
the room isn't so dark any longer

[last night at worship]

and so, am I important
is my life valuable?
is every word I type meaningful
you bet your bottom dollar sir
and yeah, my hearts heavy because it's been shared
and not whole

and I am learning to be like Mary
small
needy
rubbing her most precious ointment all over his feet
unlike the others,
desperate for him
clinging to Him

my heart will not be whole until I am able to give it WHOLELY (holy)
to the Holy God
the Lover of my Soul
secure in his love
rooted in it..
dang, that is the most beautiful thing ever created.

I want

truth.


“I have this hunger in me… everywhere I look, I see the evidence of a Creator. But I don’t see it as religion, which has cut my people in two. I don’t see Jesus Christ as being any part of a religion. Religion to me is almost like when God leaves - and people devise a set of rules to fill the space.” - Bono

recalling

Joe's S's words from a few weeks back, his exuberance about family, and how the word home, that beautiful word home has at it's root the word "therapy"

pondering this, I sit in my apartment this afternoon, doing homework,
window wide open with a cookie sheet propping it up
cuddled alone on the outstanding orange couch
coffee brooke just made me in hand mixed with ORGANIC half and half
which she thinks is very necessary for me to start purchasing

I'm trying to concentrate on homework and at the same time
pray over the neighbors below--there is screaming, doors slamming

Kelly and Josh, our new neighbors are below
Kelly, I only heard her small voice once
his, pregnant with curses as he screams the f word out at her for her lack of respect
for once I am thankful at our thin floors--to know that yes, there exists great need below us in the same way that it exists across the street, down the street, and on African soil

Josh's child knows the f word before even being born

I met Josh, the screamer, a few weeks ago,
he was standing on his porch when I pulled up, hands deep in his pockets talking to our landlord
Mohawk dyed the color burgundy
turning down my invitation for the love feast because there'd be no beer there
inviting us over for real food, under his roof

this is my neighborhood.
these are my neighbors.

love your neighbor as yourself.

the words, "for such a time as this, for such a time as this" ring in my ears, (I pull out my journal and write out a prayer instead of reading on in my homework like i should be... a just distraction, I'd say)

because everyone needs a "HOME, " Joe S says. A place of security and comfort. Ultimately we judge our quality of life, he says, not on temporary things, but how safe and at home and how alive our hearts are. Communion with God roots this. And if that is not found at home, it produces a lost wandering people.

I find security
in the fact that I have in fact been placed here, we have been placed here
for this purpose: even if our only mission is to sit above them daily, on our knees
crying out to God for a little bit of beauty and fresh air and truth to be placed in that home
or to interrupt the yelling with a bright plate full of cookies which Michelle and I plan on stocking up on so that we can do a lot of interrupting
if that was our only mission, we have succeeded

because like brooklyn said in her blog
the small things done well and with much love
in this there is success

if this summer the only thing I accomplish as I throw school out the window for the warm days
is playing baseball with DM in the yard, or making coffee for the guys in the morning or writing I love yous in soap on the mirror in the bathroom to the roommates
if I love well
if all I accomplish is running around with Bea and Lily on my back,
painting in the studio and
spending alone time with the Almighty God--writing Him love songs on my new favorite instrument:the guitar
if all I accomplish is loving the people below us until I am exhausted,
this summer will be
beautiful.

may your mission, my mission be to tie light to them
with the power of the Almighty God
tie light inside the homes of darkness
and despair
this summer


Please pray for Kelly and her boyfriend Josh
Please praise God for the incredible things he will do in them

in a year I pray that the Lord will have beckoned their hearts, a long with Jule's heart
into the circle of His great Kingdom

beautified with His great love

The boiler room

it is only God that has the ability to turn absolute chaos into joy

to free us from opportunities we are scared to turn down--only he assures his way is best, surrender is just fine, and there is only good ahead planned for us

only he makes our small lives seem radically amazing.

Brooke and Sarah have moved into the apartment... filling the house with furniture, coffee smells in the morning, a hand or two with overflowing toilets and notes on the counter about yellowing mellowing. It's a beautiful thing, and I am exuberant about them.

An opportunity was handed to me on Sunday by a 6'7 elderly man who said he'd come to Grand Rapids to invite me to Uganda. I took this as a sign, that sure, I was to go.. my Dad offered to pay most of my way, and it seemed that there really was nothing holding me back.

But I don't want to go.

I discovered how much the decisions I make really depend on other people usually, and I hate that. God revealed to me that really, I want my Dad to go, and I felt that if I said yes and went full throttle ahead, perhaps he'd follow after what he said, "I muddied the waters." But God, in his power, I will believe will bring my Dad to Uganda, without me doing any muddying, though I am willing to go on this trip if it meant bringing my Dad there. But honestly, I have found where my heart longs to be--and that is with Jesus, in this community of people downtown that has truly becoming a foundation I know is God-ordained in setting my feet in the soil of his great love and establishing a firm foundation for the rest of my life. I don't know how God brought me to this place.

This morning I woke up for prayer (6 am)--interrupted by Koffi who climbed onto the couch in the middle and DanMike's guitar, voice and tabs plopped down in front of me. Usually I have this hour a lone, but this morning the "interruption" revealed to me how much I cherish that morning hour with God as I rarely get to spend an entire hour with Him alone. I always get to walk with Jesus, but it's like that date wives get with their husbands once a week. That's how I felt, like a date I was on was just joined by a third party just as it was getting intimate. Wow. The prayer hour, however, was community prayer, and anyone at any time is allowed to come in and worship the Lord with me--but it startled me to how jealous I was of that hour. It makes me long for three weeks from now when I will be free from school, free to spend hours with the Lord--one one one-- or with others, painting, reading, knitting, running, loving other people next to Him. Truly this is what my heart longs for. It is what it loves. I want to Love God and Love People along side of whatever else God calls me to do.

Such a blessing it is to live in community. Sometimes it drives you wild because there is no space to go without people flooding the room except for the very tip top of my new bunk bed that has been shoved in a little tiny room that I share with Michelle where we stay up until 2 am some nights speaking Spanish to each other and talking about the espanol word for eyebrow which she just found is CEJAS. I absolutely adore this life--it has brought such healing to me. Just the idea that there are woman and men who are willing to give an entire hour to me if it was needed to pray through something. God is good. After a shower and day prep I wandered over to the Boiler room where DanMike was cooking an omelette for me and Roger was huddled over the coffee maker, Steve doing dishes, chip sitting on the couch talking loudly to Jen, Jen introducing ideas of pilates and yoga every night as a community of woman and DanMike pouring me coffee and milk, just how I like it. beautiful. to be known. to be lived with. I highly recommend it.

it's a tiny version of what heaven will be like.

come see.