i found myself praying thank you last night

sitting under the apple trees today with Ray, the bubblebeesbutts plugging their noses into little pink flowers that have just opened the chickens cackling and clinging with their claws onto the armrests of the wooden lounge chairs 

Jamin cooking in the kitchen fretting over his wine gravy and it's thickness thinking of Wisconsin

I have socks on in the outdoors, Karen and I looking over at the vole that I have just named sturdy coming out and going in, Ray feeding him a dripdrop of coffee that K just made on the french press, the bottom of my cup rich with brown sugar and coffee grounds

life is beautiful, sometimes more beautiful when there is pain and sadness

and leaving and trying to find home and finding it in more than one spot

seeing God everywhere you go

I am what I am

it is what it is

I cannot convince myself differently

I must enjoy myself

enjoy you

enjoy this

and breathe it in, I will, I will breathe in it

and get on my knees in the day and ask God for a big heart full of love for him or her or this

but I will be given what I will be given

and I must live out of that

and love out of that

and ask for more of it

if I want it

and love

oh, I must be in love

with it

like Char said once, I want to hate and love more fiercely - to love all man - but to hate and love things so that I can see myself more clearly

today I hated boxes, and folding clothes into them, red sharpies with big words put on the front of them, yuck, I hated hated hated that

today I loved Jenn pulling in to Meijer with her minivan, waving, and Tony in the stairwell, my little family that will continue to be family for all of eternity even if I am misplaced for a few months - they send me with blessing and prayer, the way it should be done.

today I loved Marcy and her kind voice and her welcome and her family and the promise of a small room and peace and loud floors and love- all of which I cannot wait for, and Lindsey sitting on her front porch with me as I cried, and B.A. moving the hated boxes for me into the car while I cried, both of them understanding why and talking about Fridays

today I love home, home in so many people and not as much the place

and watching my brothers outside school max on what goes on under the hood of my car and how it all works, they were taking breaks with their backs against the bark of the tree eating McDonald's for lunch

and I loved the cabbage and shared blackbeans and rice with my redhaired roomate, whom I will miss dearly, Charla Hope... (though that is not her middle name)

mmmm, God, I love your fragrance in these people, in my home

and I am excited that this is a taste of my everlasting home

and that I can see you clearly in them

God, I loved waking feeling your hand overtop of me

somehow all that fear and worry had slumped away as you helped me resist it

and there will be more of your hand

and your eye on me

and your counsel

"he strengthens my heart" - Ps 27