I have been praying for a while now that God would give me more of Him

I trained my mind to ask Jesus, I want you I want you I want you

and you know what

he heard me.

I had been asking for change, wondering why I have been walking around all this time with a weight on my shoulders

guilt.

burden.

the hope, the joy, the laughter, the love I felt has somehow drifted off without me even realizing it...

somedays were beautiful, and I'd hold onto them, knowing that tomorrow wouldn't be the same, so enjoy it while I can.

God has changed that for me.

I believe he can change that for anyone.

God has called us to freedom... 

I knew that for so long, but I just couldn't get it

couldnt wrap my mind around it

I wasn't trusting in it

He has created me to be a woman of peace in this chaos, to be the presence of God to the girl on the bus, or the photographer in the color lab, or Marcy over coffee

I HAVE THE PRESENCE OF GOD IN ME

I choose to believe it. It isn't a feeling, or an emotion,

just a truth.

God showed me at church a couple weeks ago that there were two things that were bogging me down, burdening my soul

two. small. things. that I knew I had to do something with...

one of them seemed crazy to let go of

shouldn't I suck it up? endure? find joy in the struggle rather than cop out and walk away from it to find joy? Doesn't God call us to contentment in the suffering?

God calls us to be free. to uproot and totally disable anything and EVERYTHING that is getting in the way of my love for Him... and in order to change

I must

I must

I must

change the way I am doing life.

THREE years of wading through this feeling of muck

I had stopped learning

my heart had in a way stopped breathing

I felt hindered and clogged

sad

and it simply just took making a decision, changing my mind about the way I walked

realizing that God promises to care for me,

not if I am going to school, working full time and killing myself 

but if I am using my hands and working with delight

if I am seeking after him with all of my heart (which I am convinced now cannot be done by working my brains out and always feeling like I am not enough not doing enough not being enough)

I dropped a class, which I have never done, which I have talked about before

and I decided to step out in faith and actually date a boy which is unheard of, right?

I have decided that the things my heart loves are the things God has instilled in it so deeply

and slowly God is whispering at me... Chelsea, this doesn't please me, can you get rid of it?

I am no longer BURDENED by sin, but I want it gone because I am in LOVE with Jesus

I want him to be happy

and in the same way that I would want to please my husband

I can just let go of things, and make decisions to not watch movies with sex scenes and crap in them because

it doesn't make him happy

I have the strength to be different in this world

to be come holy and pure because the presence of GOD is in me

and if I am really really really being led by the spirit of the Holy GOD

I am changing and being renewed everyday

and not in a desperate frantic I have to become more panic type of way

but in a calm

slow paced

God is here

God is with me

I can do this with his strength 

sort of way

unless I am a woman of peace, walking in love, walking in the spirit

people will not see Christ in me

Christ accomplished more in his three years of ministry than anyone in the world

and he was never rushed or panicked

he worked hard, granted

he loved His Father enough to fast and sit with Him for forty days without food

because He loved Him more than food

and if I really want to be like Christ

I must be willing, I think

to be different

to change

to let go

and climb into His refuge

which is so simple and yet

so hard to do

but I can do it because I want it I want it I want it

and I have asked and so

he responds.

1 Cor. 3