change

I've changed

in this last year.

I can see that now, looking back

last year I lived at Nancy's

or was trying to move in

not so sure who I was or what I wanted

I just had a little drawer full of ideas

now I am

watching

them

come 

off

the

shelf

[...]

One.

little things first.

I asked God for a laptop so that I could start doing more photo work and documenting

and writing and blogging and keeping a record of everything without straddling a million computers

today I am typing on a mac

a small thing

but the same week I decided to intentionally pray about it

God sent the money for this little white contraption

and

now I am able to do homework

at home

and not spend my life in the sweaty computer lab at school

praise God

and today? Today someone handed me a camera (you should see my journal from two years ago, requesting, God, I could use a camera... if this will glorify you, you could give me one)... to me this is a large thing. GOD LOVES ME, HE DOES... and oh, such friends I have... my heart is really full. really full. and confident that the Lord will care for me and carry me through.

two.

it used to be that I wanted to be everyones friend

not to bless them

I don't think

but more to please man and maybe feel a little bit better about myself

but I have become more friends with the closet lately

meaning, God

I have become a hater of my phone because it distracts me from God

I adore his temple and the quiet mornings at 6 am

and having this little group of people that I call

family

brothers sisters mothers fathers (renee, jayne, tony, jen, dm, chip, tam, jana, nate, and B...)

family, we are

I have let go of relationships, an old church, due to this

but in the mean time

I have found out better who I am

and what I want

and a lot of places that God has brought me that

I'd like to stay... stay? STAY? I get to stay...

and here

my heart feels so alive

and I've discovered that sometimes letting go of things

is the most beautiful way to stay a live

instead of spreading yourself like butter

overtop a lot of things

three.

Last year I was mourning my age

not yet married

no degree

this year?

I'm not planning on marriage until I am 30

and I am going to be pleased with that

and spend these years becoming whole

and beautiful for Jesus [ He is my Lover ]

because I don't really believe that I have to have a man to become whole

or that I need to be with a man to fulfill him

in fact I'd rather meet a man who feels rather complete

who likes that I am complete

because then as we become one

we are not completing the circle

but making one powerful ball of energy

that can really show people who Christ is

I wouldn't mind if that happened before 30

but I don't believe I want to be with someone who is only ready for a nice date

I believe I would like a man who is ready to think about marriage

and I'm happy being a friend

until God glues him to my side

four.

School has been a burden to me for the past 5 years

and slowly I am being weaned off of school...

God is giving me different reasons to go...

a degree is not my identity

but I want to learn

and so next semester I will be only taking 2 classes

and pouring myself more heavily into

[lord willing]

the Girls Bible Study

mentoring

Stockbridge Boiler room

working with my hands in delight

and, as Jen says

finding rest in my work

five.

I am dreaming

in 

ways 

I have 

never dreamt

big enough 

dreams

that they

could

really

only happen

if God was 

driving

[and He is]