Woke

 up this morning

waved at M-tin who was rummaging in the yard through his cans

this Holy sort of sadness on my shoulders

because of how needy I am for God and how often I fill it with something else

Sarah was quite McClusive today, 

made me cry as she washed my feet

and now she is singing out not looking back and it's beautiful and I remember praying for her to get a song birds voice a few months back and it's coming now and

God I just want to praise you

for the song in the car this morning as you did some healing or building or knitting

you'r good at ripping seams and knitting friendships, I like you.

We grabbed some tuna and lettuce and ran into C-dy on our way inside

who is she, really, that lonely woman on the cluttered porch of the house she stays at but doesn't live at that is about to get hit soon, the house that woke her up at 4 am, yes yes this is where she grew up, no home, yes yes she has kids, no, they're both in jail, yes, she wishes we could take her in, yes, she'll let us know, she'll be back, maybe one of these days she'll change her life

who is she, an addict, a prostitute? a desperate woman yearning for the beauty of the LORD to fill her. It was an honor eating salad with her this afternoon. It filled me more than the salad did or DM's burrito. It's what God promises will happen if you share your bread with the hungry and live to break strongholds and release the prisoners, He says your light will break forth from the dawn, the glory of the Lord will be my rear guard

I feel that.

I have joy.

real.

joy.

This afternoon was gorgeous, really

praying with Joash at 4 and recording and writing new songs to God with DM this afternoon

feeding M-tin, Dave, and Joe Black some potato salad and bread with butter

(I forgot forks at first) walking the neighborhood with April

running into Joe who looks miserable and desperate on that broken concrete step wearing pants he hasn't cleaned in a month and facial hair that is taking over his face, his hair greasy. Says he feels more like an animal than a man. He isn't. He is a man made in the image of God who needs redemption and I want everyone to get on their knees for this man who is desperate and doesn't quite know how to change the man he's been for 50 years. He has an idol named alcohol (we all have idols) who he loves more than God and more than us because he is following it and desire

we can always tell our desires

by the actions we take

our actions speak highly to the intentions and loves of our heart

and I should be able to tell within an hour of chatting with you what the love of your heart is

and I wonder if you'd know, I hope you'd know who the love of my heart is

after an hour of me

(even after writing this I see there are parts of me that aren't Jesus like,

yet.

oh to have heaven to get there.)

because I am learning that

walking with God, learning how, it, alone, brings comfort

to be w. Him. 

oh, to be w. Him

is everything

We left to chase the sun tonight, the beach was calling us with the way it was pushing his sun all over the right side of the house and the lawn and the faces

kissed lil David and his sister Amier on the forehead on our way out 

(they yelled they loved me as I walked away, they must not get much love because I've barely given them any of me and they love me and yell for me from below and I plan on loving them better from now on)

found ourselves

on sunset beach with two guitars and 5 girls and one boy

watched the sun plop and tried to determine when we can say the sun has set

we made up a word or two

and communed

over ice cream and

popcorn

truly? this simplicity

has changed me

the love of God has changed me

I don't need panic to occupy me any longer

because God does and the Holy Spirit does and I see that I am the worst of sinners

and yet this Grace

has cured me.