4:10 am

I was thinking about this place that I live

thinking about the God who brought me here

its simple and I think that that is half of it's beauty

not because its an attempt to be simple

or a fad or a trend

we aren't trying to be trendy

but there is something about the bare minimum that asks us to depend on God

and God said the righteous will live by faith

what does that mean to you?

when we really strip it down

when we really see life for what it really should be or is

when it's really just me and God in a room and I am exposed because He sees me exactly as I am and there is no hiding its not about the room or the people or the music or the paint (I've said this before and I am saying it again because I have to remind myself again) its about the fact that I am with Him and that I love Him and He loves me and sometimes I find it very hard to sit still and to know that, to really really know that because I am so distracted by the paint on everything (just the gloss of life, the masks I wear, or people wear) and the people and if people like me and love me and think well of me and sometimes I am too distracted by all the needs of the people and all the prayers I feel like I should be praying or the world will fall apart

but there is something about God that reminds me

that He has it all together

and 

I am

really not that necessary 

only like a finger of the hand

(and then I can breathe again)

and that really all I need to be doing is the next thing

and what he puts in front of me

(maybe we should stop looking for it so hard and stressing over it so much)

maybe that would bring us to rest

maybe our hands shouldn't be busy until they are busy in the knowledge that they are working for the Almighty God and that He is pleased, so pleased

just a thought

and do I really love God or the idea of loving God? Like Paul Washer says, do I really believe in Him, am I really saved? How do I know? am I needing him everyday or filling that need with other people, things, ideas? Am I asking to be saved by Him everyday? counting on Him for air in my lungs, the next meal that He may ask me to share? Is he really my bread, my water?

Joe said something along these lines when he stumbled into the prayer room the other night. He's prayed maybe three times out loud (that I have heard) in the time I have known him, and this prayer was beautiful. He says, he gives up. He needs God. He needs God to save Him.

that meant emptying out his life, 

throwing away the bottle (which he promised God he'd do)

maybe that means God giving him dignity to wash, to become clean, really clean

shaved

beautiful

and sometimes I think we should strip the prayer room down

the walls bare

the floor bare

just a room

would people still come?

Do they come to worship God, really? Do I? would I give up all the extras for Christ.

now I am not really saying we should strip down the prayer room

but I am saying that

I need to strip down my life

and...

What does it really mean that if I want to save my life I'll lose my life?

What is God asking of me?

of you?

This morning I couldn't stop thinking about the insides of a jail cell 

I have a few brothers in Christ that have been there

just them and God and the cussing profane cell mates

and God is still there

Some of us may see the insides of a jail cell, like Joseph

and our life would still have as much meaning

not because of what we are doing with our time and energy

but because we are with God

loving God

loved by God

So I wonder

if I'd be strong enough

to be joyful

in a jail cell

like Paul, Peter, the crazy few who praised the Lord loud enough to change the hearts of the jail hounds

What is that story? the one about the men who sold their lives into slavery so they could reach the unchurched slaves...

Do I really believe God is it?

really?

I give up so easily at times

think I have really messed it up for good this time

maybe jail would good for me because I need to be confident that God is love and God's love has indeed saved me from myself

Is God the one consistent thing to us? Are we followers before during and after, or only when the time is right?

Why do I let the little things taint it?

I want to be a worshipper of God

and

that is it. 

Then burdens, persecutions, beatings

things we don't even imagine

would mean little

because on the scope of this life (Dm's words)

all that we have and need and should live for is Jesus

and I feel like all of my blogs have been about this

but I feel like I am just getting it and want to keep getting it for the rest of my life and want other people to get it

we (I) should stop trying to change the world and start trying to change our hearts and from the light in us He will spill out

sometimes people say they see it when we simply walk the neighborhood

they know something bigger is happening here

and I think that is beautiful

and when they want it

then they receive the gospel with a needy, meek, heart

and then it takes root and

then there is a tree.

Jesus proclaimed the gospel to those who came to hear Him, who wanted healing

I want to want healing

I want to want Jesus' kiss

even in a bare, cold room

that's what I woke up wanting