Amber

its been 5 days now

they've crept into our hearts, taking over the white couch or the square of our living room which has become a bedroom

cried in our arms and on the prayer room floor

pregnant

guarded

quiet

screaming

its been a great exhausting five days

I've felt like a Mother and a new friend

and I love it

despite

the

long days

it makes me want to stay a little longer

to see that this is just as important as the crying children of Africa

I want to

watch her walk down the aisle to graduate

or let her stall my car as she tries to learn

to be there and have the words the next time she calls out my name as she's praying

to see that baby in Antoinette's arms

to share my own heart and really truly listen with both eyes to hers

I want to become her friend and not one that will soon leave her heart homeless, but maybe section off a little piece of my heart for her, permanently

watch her heart slowly become refined silver

her tongue guarded, insides softened 

eyes clearer

emptied

stable.

at home.

she's never had a family and her heart has been broken enough times and Jesus bandaids just won't do and so I'm asking for you.

make her in love with you,

Jesus.

tonight she announced she just closed her heart back up to be hard again and that is just how it is going to be. That's all there is too it. 

I don't believe it because God I am asking for a break through, on her heart, my heart, our hearts so that you can knit us all together, because even tho it has been 5 days God I am really betting on seeing this woman through

until she is solidly standing with kind eyes and a soft tongue and until she sees her self as oh, so unworthy and yet so so so so so loved by you freed in you obsessed with you

break 

her

kindly

so

that

she

can 

spill

out

the 

dark

and

come

into

the

light.

ps. oh, and help her to trust us.

2.

I have realized lately that my heart needs some refining, well, not some, A LOT of refining. But God has been sharing some heavy stuff-- like how guarded I am. how protective of myself that I am. It's really selfish. Not like everyone wants a piece of me or anything, but that I only give of myself where I feel comfortable. I am insecure. and I want to be SECURED in Christ so that it doesn't matter what people think or say or do. I don't want to protect myself anymore or feel at a fear of loss because I know that GOD loves me and HE has the best planned for me. I guess it's a trust issue. What do I need to protect? God has it covered. but, I'm protective of my stuff, my friends, my heart, - unwilling to get hurt, to open up to certain people, to lose out. I want that to change. I found it very interesting that I learned about myself that I fear that people will soon be sick of me and so I feel I must be a certain way to please them. I confess, I'm fearful of man. I perform for man, not for God half of the time. Ok, more than half of the time. I want to be myself, and be free of myself at the same time. in the storm of the white waves but on this little raft just floating along peacefully because God's hand is under me. No fear. no walls. Just a pure heart and mind and eyes. God, I am asking that you break me, yes, break me more. BREAK THROUGH. Give me whatever it is that  I need to get where I need to get to be whatever I need to be for you. I want your heart, your eyes. I want to see people as you see them. I want to have a new identity, as one who is a lover of you but also loved by you. God HELP me do this.