2:02 am

can't sleep

promised DM I'd be out by now

but I can't sleep and usually that is 

significant

my heart is beating like it was earlier

chip feeding Joe wearing a worn out beard

one red eye

dirty dirty clothes

talking about the hellhole he has chosen to sleep in

the little piece of carpet he'll be going back to tonight

turning down the one thing he admitted tonight that he needs

[Jesus, needing Jesus, surrendering to Jesus]

I am not giving up.

Marie is passed out somewhere in Jule's house

she was probably used tonight, Joe mutters he doesn't know

Chip knows

She packed her stuff, it wasn't our choice and we watched her

walk away 

she was like this a live flower that got suffocated by the demons that she carried around on her back, those liars, fearfilled liars that I proclaim in the name of Jesus will be sent back where they belong

someday

Saw Marv through the crack in the door

his laugh laden with alcohol WOA THERES MY SISTER CHELS

it's like they get it they get that we love them but they don't want to receive it and now I understand as I look in Marv's, Joe's, Marie's face today what God must feel when I keep going out and getting drunk on things other than Him because he loves me he loves me and keeps loving me and I just know it but can't get past something

well, I am past it now. God loves me with a deep deep deep love and no matter what I do or how unacceptable I am, really, HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME!! Unconditionally. I get it. and I want it. "DRINK AND IMBIBE [get drunk!] deeply, O lovers. I was asleep, but my heart was awake. A voice! My beloved is knocking: Open to me, my darling, my love, my perfect one... a garden locked, is my... bride, a rock garden locked up, a spring sealed up...You are a garden spring, a well of fresh water, and streams flowing... His banner of me is love" - Song of Sol 

so many questions to ponder

about my beauty

about the church

deciding on God's great love and knowing it exists even when I don't feel it

contemplating a tattoo

and a nose ring 

and living this simple life simply

questions about gifts and the church

what is a church if not a body of people that live together and worship God and are taught

devoted to prayer and ministry

a body of people that take meals together

I live at a church, don't I?

and why is the boiler room so significant anyway, shouldn't every home be like mine

couches used if necessary, seasons of drought and plenty, living by faith not by sight

always having enough (words of Agur)

is this not a church? God? is this not a church?

I sat tonight in the upper room, Chip, clad in tattoos and soft eyes

holding his hands out for prayer and we prayed

and there will be changes on the horizon

and God is going to start setting captives free through us

we aren't going to set anyone free

or live in bondage 

to thinking

it is

up

to us.

[my yoke is easy, my burden is light JESUS keeps saying]

oh, and I got married this weekend.  I found this scripture called the Song of Solomon

I recommend it

it's this long love song from God to our hearts and somewhere in Isaiah God calls himself our Husband and He is always calling us Beloved, which means Be Loved and so I accepted and decided that I wanted Him as my Lover, my very first Love, and I married His heart and I think this is a very good thing, because when you love a person's heart you want to replicate it and as I lay on God's chest and hear his heart beat and as he speaks to me through his mighty words and makes me more and more aware of the FULLNESS of GOD inside of this body of mine I will start to become more like Him as I submit

He is

rich

in love

and so if you see a ring on my finger that has some Greek on it that means "None live for themselves" I want you to know, it isn't about the Greek of the vow that I took or what I do with my life it's about God's grace on me, and His superb love for me and in that my heart beats to love Him, to love His people and to proclaim His name to the nations

which tonight was

Joe

and tomorrow might be Tammy or DanMike or whatever Nation he brings me too

I don't live for myself because I already made up my mind that when I get married I'm going to be a wife. a good wife. and i will live for that man that I marry because he will be so powerfully living for Christ that I can just follow Him and trust Him and support Him in our walk toward God

and so as I marry the heart of God, My BeLoved... I live for Him. That is my heart. 

and I want to walk with Him and talk with Him and let things fall out of my mouth that I have never thought of before because they are God's words and they just

came

to 

me

and it's 2:22 now, and Brooke's asleep so there will be no pillow talk now, and I already woke her up once because I got locked out, but, I could really use some pillow talk, and the only one that is awake is my Jesus so, I'm off to talk with Him. Sleep well.