thank you.

went to the gym this morning
woke up at 6:30
watched Kristi pack the turkey up for his trip to the oven
mashed sweet potatoes and took them to Grandma
talked to Grandma (in her pj's watching tv, so unlike her)
the gym was full of women
and it made me laugh
at my culture
and myself.

I am thankful today.
really, really thankful.

Thankful for my Dad - his humility and gentle spirit.
My mom - her meekness.
Jamin - his tenderness, and strength and desire to learn and grow.
Jesh - for the frail one that he is, and the strong one he will be.
Joe - for how he pretends to be mad all the time, but everytime he picks up the phone, he says "when you coming over? soon?"
austin - for his boldness and willpower
Kristi- for her cheer and determination (she was the one who got me to the gym this morning)
danny - for breaking down my walls, and for the boy that I get to see sometimes inside of the man (both are great)
Jana - for her loyalty and faithfulness, her lack of gloom and constant SPUNK
Tammy - for her counsel and the way she looks inside - her level head.
kitri - even though she only likes me when I chase her around, for her snootiness
Benji - for being the baby of my dreams
K10 - for rest. peacefulness. friendship.
April - For being real and wanting to learn.
Nate - for showing me what a good husband is, and what to put as a standard, gentlemanliness and care for others
Meesh - for being simple and beautiful and
Brad - for being a gentle giant and loving Meesh by always seeing her
Brookey - for teaching me about beauty and home-ness
J and T - for their obedience and simplicity
My second family - the smiths - their beautiful luscious chaos that i call home, and family and that I miss everyday that I am not there
For the girls at my bible study- for being good soil when God said to plant myself

i know there are some I am missing.
I might remember later.
look for your name.

i have fallen in love

with a King.

i have not felt him fill me like this is ever so long.
oh, how I have ached for it.
oh, how I have tried to explain it.
oh, how I almost forgot what it feels like.
oh, how I almost began to wonder if it was ever really there.

but, it is, again.

And it isn't because I am doing grand things
but mostly because I am watching him smile at me
and I am pretty ordinary

this weekend I read in Jenn's "Utmost for His Highest"
about the mundane
and how God is in it

God is in me when I am painting, and writing songs
and scraping paint splatters off of my computer screen and my earlobe
or when I am talking with JJean about who I am and who he is and how I do not know
only God knows
what will be

and I have settled in this unknown space
and said
God, you have it
and I have said,
God, you fill me
and
I have found myself content.

not like I don't stop sometimes and think, I am lonely right at this moment
but when I think of it, He FILLS ME

and if he FILLS ME
how much greater will I be when I have something ELSE
ontop
of being FILLED

my cup will overflow.

[and this is what he promises]

this is hard today.

it hasn't been everyday, but today, yes.
it smells like you in here.

and I am wondering where he is, and who he is speaking with
and if he is thinking of me. [just being honest]
these kinds of things, do they happen with breakups?

and yet God is breathing into the empty spots
the loneliness I felt the other night sitting on the couch with my
dumb love story novel

(I need a new one by the way)

and Friday when I spent the night holding a lil brown baby
when usually I'd be on a date

he was my best friend the last two years...
so that is why these tears, you know? I'm grieving.

and sometimes I am excited to see what God has for us or for
the other us

and I don't really have any choice but to just be
with my hands up
open
and hope and pray that God would move in hearts (he will)
and take things out of hearts that are not of him
and lay his delights on hearts

and then I guess I'll know the next step.

and I am trusting God, and okay if he moves on or likes a
different pretty girl ( i will want to punch her in the face)
and I might hate it,
but, God'd move me on too
and for the first time I know I know I know
it's all going to be ok.

but, i miss him. and that is not wrong.

tried

i tried to pour myself into that skin
it was tight and restricting and hard to put on and I always asked why
tried and tried and tried to make it
for me

its not like it was wrong or right
maybe it just wasnt what God has called me to be

and God just smiled down at His lil lump of clay and kept pouring water to make it soft
and I hurt and hurt and hurt and asked why I was hurting

tried to make what Daddy thought good for me
good for me
tried and tried and tried to make it
for me

its not like it was wrong or right
maybe it just wasnt what God has called me to be

and God just smiled down at his lil lump of clay and kept pouring water to make it soft
and I hurt and hurt and hurt and asked why I was hurting

and then I put up my hands
and became a delicate vase
and let my shape
take form
from Him
for me





and then I smiled.

becoming

it's funny how God does his work in us.
He shakes us up and turns us upside down and prunes things off of us that aren't bringing us toward Him.

The last few years have been tough, but, God has indeed brought me to a place of peace.
peace in my heart.

And, it has been confirmed more than once that God wants to make me into more of a woman.
And, so, change must happen.

Randy said on sunday that the definition of insanity is
"trying the same thing over and over and expecting the same results"

things must change and adjust and move and be in motion to conform
and, like i felt God whisper to me repeatedly this year
i am learning to be like clay
to abandon MY mold and surrender to His hands
to stop fighting
to let what He does with me to to let His words move me into motion

creativity is coming back, I can feel it breathing all over me
the writer in me is springing back
(I am writing poetry again)
and painting

and my fingers have been itching for the guitar, but that hasn't so much happened yet.

God is good.
I have said this.
I do not always feel this.
but it is truth
and I am standing on it.

GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!

God is Love - and it's not just a cheesy quote

she adores stars, and put them in her ears. three tatoos down her neck, one that she showed me by pulling down her shirt on her chest
the stars around it was for the different something-puncture spots on your body

her husband, looked like an alaskian fisherman, cap, flannel shirt, beard
a simply man
looked on and listened, without comment besides his sheepish grin
he was proud of her but didn't really know what to think of all a' that

the tattoos read "love, compassion, peace" and she hoped she'd know what they read when she was old, she said

the one on her chest was something about the ora, or god, but i dont think she was talking about the same god I know

i was thinking this morning about God, the one over me, through me, in me
(he led me to read Eph 4:6)
and I began to feel extremely priviledged, boastful, excited that God is real
and that he has chosen me
and that he is not just an ora, or a thing out there
but He beckons me with His hand
and LOVES me enough to put His own son on the cross
and gives me names like
daughter
bride
chosen one
treasured possession

this is who I am
this is my identity
this is what I believe about myself
and anyone who tells me or treats me differently
has something coming to them
[and tells me something about the way I should treat others]
with all kindness, grace
love,
forgiveness
[holding nothing over them]

i remember that note my mom had written and left on the counter with her slanted handwriting that i was always jealous of
"do not think you can talk to me anyway you want to, because I am the BRIDE of Christ
and He is my Defender, and my Love."

cleaning off the tables at work yesterday Jesus just reminded me that my goal and mission on this earth is to love, love, love - He said simply

Show them Me, Chelsea, Show them Me

He was kind in His words
tenderhearted

and reminded me this morning that He has forgiven me completely
which means He holds nothing over my head

and that is freedom.

the sky blue chair looking like a friend

stinkbugs in the sink

french-press growing into winter  

orange paint on the elbows, the forearms 

furnace rumbling

tiny light humming

Wilco humming, "its a sky blue sky..."

"Commit your ways to the Lord, and your plans will be established."

(or, roll your decisions, your worries, your problems, your plans onto Him, trust Him with them, hand them over, and your delight will be His delight.)

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

Prov 16. recommended.

the truth is

my significance is only in God

and I have felt that that is what He is whispering most loudly

all the tiny caves that feel empty that I try to fill with something different he says to me

look up

look up

look up

(give me your first fruits, let me love you in these places)

I'm getting it.

His love is enough.

His grace, it is enough.

His dreams are the ones that will stay

I cannot sway or control or change them no matter how hard I try.

end of story.

He has asked me to hold tight yet also cautioned me that this does not mean what I have in my hand is not something I will never have to give away or lose even when both feet a

re in

hold it loosely, as Marc always says

I miss Brooke.

I want to be like G who wakes up every morning and says, OKAY GOD, if you take my wife, I am for you. I am for you. I am for you. I am for you.

and when I am letting God be my obsession, my idol, my King, MY GOD then everything else appears so small.

and last night God called me Sarai.

_____________________________

last night we heard his voice trailing out from the garage

"just leave me alone"

though that is precisely the opposite reason he was residing within those fence walls

the alcohol has made him disfunctional on most days

and J encouraged us last night 

to get back on our knees in concentrated prayer for this man

so pray for Dave

tall Dave

Walking with his pelvis first Dave

Friendly laughing Dave

coffee in the morning Dave

sitting on the back stoop Dave

Screaming profanities Dave

will be healed Dave

_____________________________

pray for this one as well

because I do not want to find him under a bridge someday

____________________________________

Kat came tonight, weeping
said she wants to kill herself
said she just wants to be where Marty is
said she has no friends

she kept hugging us, saying she couldn't wait til wednesday so she could see her friends
said she has nobody
except Jesus, Jesus was her friend

and I thought of Adam in the garden
with the living God and yet
alone

because we need some skin I think, someone that resembles Jesus next to us being Jesus to us
a Jesus with skin, someone who can hold onto us and touch us and encourage us
someone who needs love too
because people need to be touched and loved and seen and heard

and Kat misses being touched and needed and pursued

and I am getting it more now
this companion thing

a.m.

the trees are naked past the field, a couple still taking off their clothes

Marcy's feet on Webster's white and gray chest as Dave talks about swimming

and age and strength and screaming Jesus with your life

warm quilt wrapped around my feet (thanks K10)

empty cup of coffee to my left

the fire and the chimney are growing cold

Cooper is shifting and sighing, 

my stack of books exhausted after a quiet time with my best friend, Jesus

after basted eggs and scraping out grapefruit

fall is falling away 

the smell of snow shook hands with my nose last night as I hurried inside

(S) told me last week that anxiety is killed by being present in the moment